100 things in the world i love

1. corduroy overalls
2. beards
3. butterfly rings
4. gerber daisies
5. Mom’s homemade rolls
6. very large rocks
7. costumes
8. dance class
9. a good book
10. chapstick
11. acoustic guitar
12. strawberries
13. faux fur
14. scrabble
15. baseball on tv
16. thrift stores
17. painting
18. typing
19. purple
20. striped socks
21. furry socks
22. ouiji boards
23. campfires
24. new shoes
25. yoga
26. hot chocolate
27. collages
28. good beer
29. breakdancers
30. snow angels
31. finishing
32. excel
33. record players
34. sunshine
35. rivers
36. eyeliner
37. babies
38. gymnasium smell
39. french braiding
40. quilts
41. movies
42. wigs
43. hula hoops
44. chaise lounges
45. faces
46. high boots
47. bubble baths
48. mix tapes
49. catamarans
50. road trips
51. incense
52. crab feasts
53. pools
54. fairs
55. musicals
56. feathers
57. jungle gyms
58. gel pens
59. squeezie balls
60. mouthwash
61. kitties
62. q-tips
63. sunsets
64. cornbread
65. ziplock bags
66. top 40
67. hotel rooms
68. moon circles
69. buddah beads
70. someone else’s perfume
71. cranium
72. today
73. spinning
74. pad thai
75. bedazzled game
76. soduku
77. sleeping in the car
78. softball games
79. pubs
80. karaoke
81. fondue pots
82. extension cords
83. christmas lights
84. patchouli
85. conversations
86. patent leather shoes
87. sunglasses
88. tutus
89. tire swings
90. marble notebooks
91. lanterns
92. parasols
93. loofahs
94. crying
95. the sun
96. laughing
97. acrobats
98. silly sting
99. moms
100. love

I love...

One thing I really love about my husband is how he seems to have a sixth sense about when I'm going to get home. He wanders out of the backyard onto the street as if he were waiting for me the whole time.

I've never mentioned it to him... I'm just going to keep enjoying it.

Burning Man reminiscing...

So, apparently this year I've had a hard time putting into words what Burning Man means to me. It was my fourth year, and, by far, my least dramatic (in a good way!). It's a trying place, but I know what I'm getting myself into, and this time I was well equipped with wonderful family (emotional support) and a wonderful husband. Not that bringing three "virgins" to the desert didn't require it's own set of issues, but I felt much safer this time around that we were all clear headed enough to get ourselves safely there and safely back. More than that, I found that my experience allowed me to slip rather easily into my Burning Man person... the language was at my dirty fingertips, and it felt unbelievably invigorating to my soul to be around all that amazing energy. Truth be told, I've been vibing off of that energy in different ways for months now still!

I actually wrote about 3 pages of stuff on the RV trip home, and then in a twist of fate, I put the pages in my camelback, then went hiking about a week later, the camelback got wet, and the pages became a beautiful piece of stained ink art work instead. I really enjoyed that hike, so I guess it was meant to be.

Then, recently, I opened an old notebook and found my gibberish scribblings from my first year there! I figure a lot of my feelings towards the event are exactly the same, so here they are... the random, overwhelming, sometimes cliche scribblings of a twenty something having her mind exploded:

"so much to see! so much to see!

have my eyes ever been this wide?

all the creativity from every soul,

how the world is meant to be.

a gathering of freaks

yet not a demon in the bunch.

wise eyes

open eyes

free eyes

scared eyes

compassionate eyes

demonstrative eyes

and the beats go on and on

this world never sleeps

there's just too much to see

lovely to see people working together

pushing boundaries

smiling

bonding together in strange conditions

willing to be at peace with each other

for no real reason

but that the soul needs to be at peace

and oh! the art and the cars and the bikes and the nipples and the yoga and the furry and the monkeys and the carrots and it goes on and on

MY EYES CAN'T CATCH THEIR BREATH

what expression

what beauty we allow here

and we're all a little awkward and over-stimulated

the porta potties and the dust on the bikes and the body and every little thing you could imagine

the ups and the downs and the hearts and the buses with the people on top, staring down and waving

and it is all about feeling good, and whatever you need, if I can help you get it, I will

does "civilization" really exist? is there anywhere to be but here?

I think no.

i am having no revelations about my personal life because it is so far from here.

overwhelming.

here it is so easy to support the wonderful talent and the expression, the unique abilities

the band with the sitar and the opera singer and the violinist just there at noon to make you happy

playing catch with a frisbee and a stranger, acceptable and encouraged

and what has happened to my nose?? it is not good.

it's just all so much! i must try to be calm to take it in."

The luckiest cell

One of my favorite things that Vanessa, a yoga teacher of mine, says is "You are here because you CAN be here." Upon first listen, I was underwhelmed. Of course I can be here. Obviously. I'm here. And I'm uncomfortable in this position, and this pithy statement of yours is doing nothing to ease my discomfort OR shed enlightenment leading to some new understanding of my discomfort. But she stuck with it. Class after class. And I think it's becoming one of my new favorite statements.

Because the truth of it is that we CAN be here... in yoga... in life... and we are lucky for it. Whatever formation of cells came into being became us, the luckiest cell(s), and now we have evolved to a level of consciousness that is physical, mental, spiritual, with possibilities of enlightenment, happiness, sorrow, and suffering. But we get to experience this. And what is the ratio in which we would be the cell lucky enough to get here? Or, in a simpler (and perhaps more of a reasonable explanation in these circumstances) way, our bodies have afforded us movement which is beautiful and our minds have cultivated ways to stimulate itself. In the best way possible, we CAN be in class because we are terribly, terribly lucky. 

It just translates to life so wonderfully. I was folding laundry today, not exactly loving it, and I reminded myself that I am folding laundry because I CAN, because not only do I have the physical agility to help myself and others, but I also can afford lovely clothes which I CAN buy, wear, and wash. We are not all so lucky. 

I hope that throughout my life I am able to remind myself of this in times of duress. May not be easy... but at least I have this here blog to remind me. :-)

I have certainly been lacking in posting lately. In thinking about it, I have been so deliciously wrapped up in life that I've barely had time to bear witness. Which is not to say that I've lacked a 3rd eye, or a consciousness, but I have been living very in the moment and the act of taking pictures or writing words about moments tends to take away from them for me. I may be entering a period of circumspection... we'll see.

Burning Man really did do a excellent number on me. The vitality that it has afforded has seemed open-ended. As if my brain was rewired to have untapped child-like energy. Tonight I fell asleep on the couch at 8 pm... so it might finally be running out... but I hope not. LA's two season weather is finally starting to turn, and I turn to see introspection on the horizon...

What to say when there's so much to say???

I have been in an utter whirlwind of life and joy and happiness, it’s been so alive and real that I haven’t been able to dream of just sitting at a computer and writing or organizing pictures. There’s just been so much life to be living, and when that feeling is around, why waste it, right?

Rich came back after months away, and we were slightly rough for a week. And then came BurningMan, which was everything it was supposed to be – completely crazy, eye opening, so incredibly hard, so incredibly rewarding, so primal, so refreshing… and I’m sure there will be more stories to come from it all, but I’m really still just digesting! And since then, since our one pretty powerful fight just before the Man burned… well, life and our relationship has been just amazing. We got something together out there, and we brought it back and we can’t stop talking and marveling at it all. What an amazing experience to have shared with someone you love. I have gone to BurningMan so many times (ok, 3 times) on my own, and I didn’t know if I COULD share it. And the sharing of it was really unexpected, I couldn’t have predicted how he handled everything, but in the end, he handled it the best way he knew how, and so did I, and we came out together so much stronger than before! He is my ultimate playa partner, and I’m so thrilled that we have each other.

Afterwards, he said that the whole experience made him understand me so much more.

We are truly so engrossed in every aspect of life right now, not at all disengaged. We went to the beach yesterday, biked down there, and talked and laughed, jumped in the ocean and got pummeled, and talked about spiders and life and politics and music and people and food and nature… just everything.

I feel like BurningMan was the absolute best one year anniversary present we could have given each other.

I know I’ll get to organizing pictures, and writing, and facebooking and all the other stuff… but know that in the meantime, I am sharing wonderful moments with the man I am more deeply in love with… with whom I didn’t know I could be more deeply in love with…

the response...

to be expected, I guess...
we'll see...





i almost died, i did a shot so big i wanted my heart to stop. reading that email, i wish it had. im sorry i bothered you. i will walk to baltimore if i have to to prove to everyone that i can do it. if i dont make it, i WILL kill myself. i hate myself and my life and i am ready to die. my own family hates me. what is there to live for? and i did let mom help me. thats how i am going to the rehab in baltimore. this is my chance to change things around, but my family and friends hate me so much i think i would rather die than try anymore. im sorry i was such a fuck up. im sorry you had the burden of knowing me. please dont remember me as an addict, remember me as a sweet little kid. im sorry i let you down, im sorry i let the family down, i will leave everyone alone now. im sorry and i do love you. i know i dont know how to show it right, but i love you. you and rusty are my heroes and you are in my thoughts every day. i wish i could have been more like you.


im sorry i bothered you. remember me....


i really do love you, kimmy.

Good morning, sister.

I woke up today and got this message from my sister:

kim, i need to ask you a huge favor... im in aiken, south carolina trying to get up to baltimore for rehab. and i already have the bus ticket from charleston to baltimore, but i have to get from aiken to charleston and the only way i can do that from where i am right now is to sell my body for money. is there any way i could borrow just a small amount of money just to get me home and fed? im trying to turn my life around but no one will help me and give me any more chances. ive burned every bridge. please please help me kim. im begging as your little sister with no one else to turn to. i love you.

I don't really know what to do about it (surprise, surprise).


I wrote this, but haven't sent it.

Abbie,
You do not love me, at least you don't show that you love me. You have contacted me twice in 3 years, both times to ask for money. From what I understand, you have been given a bunch of chances, in fact, you were welcome to stay in rehab just a little while ago and you left voluntarily. My Dad gave you a basically free apartment, where you did thousands of dollars of damage and then forced him to clean it up on Christmas. Your mother has driven to see you to help you, and you didn't let her. Therefore, you have hurt people that I love a lot.

I don't really know what to tell you. Do I want you to sell your body? No. Do I understand how you've gotten to a place where you can't get a job at a pizza parlor instead? No.

Yes, I could send you money. But what do I think will happen? You will take it. You will not write me back or thank me. If you do thank me, it will sound really false. You might make it up to Baltimore, you might just score some drugs. If you do make it up and get into this rehab where eventually they could completely take care of you and put you in a halfway house, but instead you will quit the rehab before it's over. Then no one will hear from you for a while, or you will hurt someone new.

Knowing this, what's a sister to do?

On the precipice... and kinda losing my mind...

Wowsa! My being has been in a pretty crazy place lately!

I am attempting to calm and get into some rational/inspired thinking. I'm getting there.

Here are my (lame) excuses for losing my shit:
1. Rich came back after 2 months and there's adjustment
2. I joined, then quit, a fire dancing group
3. I am leaving on Monday for Burning Man with 3 virgins, 2 of whom are my aunt and uncle,
which leads to
4. My house looks like a tornado
5. I know too much about Burning Man to not stress about Burning Man!!!!!!

All that being said, I went to yoga last night, I breathed, and I did the best headstand into bakasana into headstand that I've ever done (actually I've never even done it before).

Which leads me to believe that if I could just more effectively channel this crazy energy, that might just be the ticket.

So tonight I am organizing, cleaning, thinking, stretching, and trying not to stress.

By the way, thanks to my friend Charlotte, my costumes this year are my best by FAR, thanks to MP we are more organized than I've been for the burn, and I am truly very excited! Plus, I will be spinning fire for the first time, at the fire spinning mecca of the universe! All is good.

The girl fire group thing has really thrown me, truth be told. I know deep down that I felt, number one, that I was really good at it and that I should be performing/making money with it, and number two, that these ladies were smart and experienced and would lead me in a good direction. There were a number of things that threw me. One was the photo shoot, where using tools I wasn't used to, I burned myself and started contemplating the severity of it. Two (I just realized how many things in this post I've been numbering. I must really need to be putting things in ORDER!!! Anyway...), the latin/kinda gothy vibe is not totally me and I felt a little false. Weird for an actress? Three, it was just taking TOO MUCH TIME! I mean, I have really liked one night a week of learning fire, and a couple more practicing or playing with my toys in group settings. But putting all this energy into our website, and routine, and music, and costumes and bookings and all of it was really overwhelming and not in a good way. So finally, in the middle of Burning Man prep, I just lost it and called the girl and told her everything that was on my mind and quit. And she was lovely, but in the end I know that I screwed them and I hate letting people down.

But if I'm not sane, what is any of it worth??????????????????
So, I am working on my sanity above all. Second (can't stop numbering now!), enjoying life and my husband and being able to be quiet.
Breathe girl!!!

Just when I thought I was blasphemous...

George Carlin
From a diatribe on Advertising and Bullshit:

...But in the Bullshit Department, the businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. 'Cause I gotta tell ya the truth, folks, when it comes to Bullshit, big time, major league BULLSHIT, you have to stand in awe, in awe, of the all time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: RELIGION! .... No contest, no contest!!
(thunderous applause)


Life is sacred? Who said so, God? Hey, if you read history you'll realize that God is one of the leading causes of death...has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, all taking turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea.


Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckn' empty little heads off.


I've begun worshipping the Sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the Sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to God are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate.



The World is divided into armed camps ready to commit genocide just because we can't agree on whose fairy tales to believe.
In the end, Religion will kill us all.
-- Ed Krebs


Frank Zappa
Children are naive -- they trust everyone. School is bad enough, but, if you put a child anywhere in the vicinity of a church, you're asking for trouble.


If you wind up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest or some guy on TV telling you how to do your shit, then YOU DESERVE IT.


The essence of Christianity is told us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the tree of knowledge. The subtext is, All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just keep your fucking mouth shut and hadn't asked any questions.


Scientology, how about that? You hold on to the tin cans and then this guy asks you a bunch of questions, and if you pay enough money you get to join the master race. How's that for a religion?


The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country.
-- Rev. Jerry Falwell

Written when I woke up this morning...

I dreamed last night of acting. Not even of real acting, feet planted on the hard wood, eyes caked with make up and false lashes blinking from the hot lights… but just of the act of acting. Picking up a beautiful small Samuel French paperback. A yellow one. One in which lived a person I wanted to be. And as I opened it, my lips wrapped around some words, tongue tripping on consonants, my curious brow unfurrowed so to open myself to the possibility of another person with another brow to jump from the text into my blood. My heart raced with the delicacy of choice verbs and nouns, of characters whom I understood deeply though they have a separate vocabulary. I breathed it.

And though it was just a dream, it made me think that passions of any kind are nothing but sleeping (or awake) lovers. My heart has never lacked passions. If there is one thing there has always been an abundance of, it is passions. Passions for activities, passions for people, for the powers of those acitivities, for quiet and nature and loud and wild and unabandonment, but there is simply not enough time in the day to entertain all of my passions on a regular basis. But I realize that they don’t necessarily die. Acting still lives in my veins, and is an extremely domineering lover. I miss it, but I fear if I were to give over to it, I would be lost. I mean, where are my loyalties anymore? Acting may be my oldest lover, truth be told, but she is a broke and fickle lover, never providing me with the future always promised. I have other passions that trump her… but still she goes on sleeping in my heart…

Lyrics?

We said we'd do it just one more time

We may have said that before

But we stared at the sunlight stream on the ground

And we guessed we needed one more

Well the grass was gold and the sky was bright

Still 8 hours for the looming night

And your brown dog eyes called for love

We'd have to give it to you

Let's breathe here

We'll sing here

Mountains made of strings

It's Mexico here

Hot and low here

Crystals in the trees

And when the squares turned round and the words turned goo

Your rainbow wrinkles pulled me through

The path got messy, but the world was live

The grass turned blue, JFK survived

And that old sunlight stream on the ground

Reached over and kissed my hair

Let's haunt here

We'll play here

Skirts made long with jeans

It's Mexico here

Softly flow here

Silly putty on my knees

The squares were round and the words were goo

But your rainbow wrinkles pulled me through

Revolution!

So what’s been going on??? I’ve been asking myself that a lot. Rich is gone again… and the last time he was gone I was really on a writing binge. For some reason I haven’t started it up yet… but I sure have been thinking about it...

I have decided it’s a summer of revolution.

Let me give you some context.

About a month ago, I got my certification from AFAA (Aerobics and Fitness Association of America). The certification was out in Palmdale (about an hour north of LA, very hot) on a Saturday. I had studied a lot, but I was dreading it too. Usually these classes are boring and long, plus I didn’t know how the other people would be. It turned out a lot better than I had hoped! There were only 3 of us, and one girl brought a bunch of hula hoops so we hooped it up. In a purely selfish and egotistical way, I was happy that I was the youngest and fittest, and a lot of my fears about the day were relieved. It passed pretty quickly.

Afterwards, I started driving home in the 114 degree heat. It was uphill, and my car was losing steam, so I had to turn off the AC. My car only has the radio, so I was fishing around for a channel… and the only channel available in this godforsaken town (no pun intended) was a Christian station on which there was a talk show about the peril surrounding sex outside of a marriage. I decided I was in my own personal Hades.

I chose to listen. I certainly don’t subject myself to this drivel very often, so I thought it might be interesting to hear what is going on in that world. I was so very wrong. While it was 114 on the outside of my body, soon my blood was boiling so hot that I think I surpassed it internally. This cheery woman and man combo team were giving out the lowdown on “bad” sex, which they defined as any sex that exists outside of a man and wife. At one point they compared it to electricity – that sex is an energy, but when you have it outside of the marriage, it’s like lightning and can hurt you, but if it’s between a man and wife, it becomes useful electricity. Of course!

I listened to this woman tell every poor schmuck who is listening that God had told her this personally. I wondered how that conversation went? Did God whisper it to her? Or scream it to her while she timidly fucked her poor handbag of a spouse? And why isn’t God speaking to me… if this Cheerio gets the direct line to God, what exactly are the requirements?

Back to reality. God’s been talking to this bitch about as often as my 400 pound associate is hitting the gym. She is going purely on old news… specifically, a single book that was written about 3400 years ago by a bunch of dudes with good intentions for the time. And knowing this, well, I am so darn confused!!! They are tall tales! They’re really good stories, stories that helped the people of the time live, and relate to and respect each other, but that’s what they are! And Jesus was probably a cool dude too, but I have a hard time believing that he even ever implied that he was the son of God, he was just a really good man and the hen pickers around him needed some drama so they spiced up his life. Why is this book still around so much? Why can’t we just worship David Sedaris or Chelsea Handler for their obvious direct line?

And I know, I FEEL blasphemous writing this… the only excuse is that this is my summer of REVOLUTION! Revolution of mind, thoughts, actions, being, and the list goes on. And I’m doing this at age 30, when I’m happily married and wrapped up in the big security blanket of my life. Wanna know why? Because I’ve been too pussy my whole existence to think for myself! And I know that’s the land in which this stupid woman is trapped. So I feel bad for her. BUT, at least as long as I was trapped by other’s thoughts and opinions, I wasn’t judging them publicly and ridiculing their decisions. Until now, of course. And therein lies my real problem with this human. I mean, she has figured out that this whole God obsession helps her get through her days. And I think she should have a good long talk with herself about it, but that’s really up to her. My question is, how can she possibly not stop to think that everyone might not be exactly the same as her?

I digress. This whole God/sex/marriage diatribe is turning me around 180 degrees, then back, then 360 (ok, between the degrees of the heat and the spinning in my head, I might just be hallucinating at this point). But here I am, pretending to force myself into wondering if my sexual adventures PRE husband are what is horribly poisoning my mind and something I should be ashamed of. Quite the contrary! I was one hot tamale and proud of it! And my mind, instead of going where lady seems to want it to go, is being taken so far in the opposite direction… farther that it’s ever gone before. I mean… like I said, I am a happily and newly married woman! Why did I get married? Because my husband rules, and because I want a family badly and this is “the way it’s done.” And I don’t regret that, if simply for the fact that he would be thrilled for me thinking and/or writing these thoughts.

But here I am, wondering why marriage even exists? Never mind only ever having sex with your husband, which I think is ludicrous, but why are we even getting married? I suppose it’s so that the woman doesn’t have to take care of a child all on her own. Which I understand. I don’t condone hordes of men running around having lots of sex and not dealing with the consequences. But, in an ideal world, where does the nuclear family stand? It doesn’t seem to be working out so well, what with divorce rates, etc. And why is no one thinking about different solutions? What about communities raising children? I guess the hippies are thinking about it when they created communes, and the crazy ass mind fucking Manson types are dealing with it. And they don’t all seem to be doing too well either… but what are our options?

I guess I’m talking about free thought here, and that is what this little REVOLUTION is about for me. I’m not sure that nuclear families are right or wrong, but I am perplexed why no one (or at least no one around me) is talking about it or questioning it. And religion… well I am pretty sure that it’s not working out too well either, judging by the LIFETIME OF WARS AROUND THE WORLD BEING CAUSED BY IT, and it’s strange to me that people don’t question their religion either, just as they don’t wonder if maybe there is a possible way to have some morality and kindness in society without the overbearing force of a really old book.

Why did “God” give us brains that reason and question if he didn’t want us to use them?

As I’m writing all this down, I am realizing that nothing I’m saying here hasn’t been said before. Just like nothing that’s ever been said or thought hasn’t been said or thought before. But if I can keep going, keep questioning, maybe I’ll get somewhere with it. At least shift some levels of consciousness.

I was reading the Kite Runner recently. Amazing read. And I was finishing it up in a bar at the Chicago airport. A gentleman was getting a drink next to me and we made some small talk about the book. Then he told me he was a soldier and he was just returning from Afghanistan. We (or should I say he) talked for about an hour. I was intently listening. It was so enlightening and interesting. I don’t have time or the memory to relate the whole conversation, but one thing really stuck out to me. I asked why there wasn’t more of a movement for peace in that part of the world. In my hippie head, peace everywhere can’t be too far off, right? I mean, America is still very freakin delusional, but I still have conversation with Americans on a daily basis about the need for peace.

He replied that that would never happen. Which I don’t know if I can truly believe in my heart of hearts, but I put some stock into. He said that the people there don’t know anything other than war, war over religion and everything else, and that peace is not even really a concept there. He said that America is really the most advanced country in terms of our thinking. Can you believe that?

Well, if America is advanced in it’s thinking… this summer I’m going taking it to the moon. I am going to try to question everything, everything I’ve ever believed. Why do I believe it? Is it because someone else told me to or because I know it intrinsically in my heart? And if it’s the former… well, I can only hope my personal revolution will change me for the better. I am tired of thinking about what other people will think or do think, I am thinking for myself.

Oh! One more thing.

While I was scrubbing/dancing, I decided that one thing that I am really proud of myself for is that I have gotten no manicures/pedicures this year.

My husband could care less, and I would so much rather impress someone with my amazing fire spinning skills and sparkling personality than my pretty toenails.

Sometimes you just know what you need.

Tonight, my husband went to a concert at the Hollywood Bowl. REM and Modest Mouse. I declined a ticket, mainly for financial reasons.

Then at 4 pm at work I was offered a FREE ticket to the show. Do you know what I did? I turned it down, went to spinning, came home and scrubbed the bathroom for 2 hours. Trust me, this does not happen often, but I am thrilled with it. Sometimes, you just know what you need (and apparently I need to be OLD!).

Chaos - Peace

So my life has felt a bit chaotic lately, although I'm working on being present in every moment and not to take into account too much how much is going on. I always feel good when I'm busy, so life has felt great, but I worry sometimes that I'm not seeing the bigger picture and/or fully investing myself into all of my goals (there's just too many!)

Sculpt class has been going well, and that feels like a real step. Although my student count is still laughable, my confidence has gone up a LOT! Last week, instead of powering through the class with the crazed energy of the Joker, I slowed down, led a real warm up that included some yoga/meditation, still had a great, full workout, and ended not having finished all that I wanted to do (sometimes I go so fast that there are 10 mins left in class that I don't know what to do with). I don't know that I've fully grasped my power yet, but I am getting there. I realize that almost all of it is confidence. I look too much for validation from the students, do they like this exercise? Is it too much or too little? When the best thing to do is to be completely confident about it, still gauge them but not need their feedback unless they WANT to give it to me. I'm getting there.

I've been thinking about politics lately. It's crazy to me that we've become so complacent as a society. People used to get so fired up about things, about life! And now, with this election, that's where we should be... but I don't feel it from society. It's interesting how I feel so strongly about some issues and yet so anti-confrontation. It's something I want to examine more. In a way, it seems obvious - I like peace, so why would I like fighting to get peace? And yet, the only change that has ever come about in this world comes from conflict. Its intrinsic. And so, I can be FOR peace, but unless I'm willing to DO something about it, I am essentially as complacent as anyone else. Sitting at home wishing for peace doesn't do much. Which I guess ties in to the need to lead/teach, even if it is only exercise. It's not necessarily that I want people to move their bodies more (which I do)... but it's also that I think if they're happy and positive and peaceful and fulfilled for an hour a day in my presence, then the rest of their lives will mirror that. It's about influence. If I can feel that from a teacher, and if I know I can be a vessel for that kind of change, then I need to start harnessing that positive energy. It's coming. I am being gentle with myself, but firm in my desires.

Going to a Fire Drums event this weekend... more on that to come! I'm very excited to be around positive, expressive people!

Music that Moves Me

I was inspired by a friend’s blog posting. He listed a Top 10 of the music that was the most emotionally resonant for him. You know, the music that defines a period of your life, or the stuff that you can hear one note of and be carried away with the emotion you felt listening to it at one point or another. I love music, but I have a terrible memory… but I’m gonna take a stab at it anyway. So… here goes, be it album or single, here’s the stuff that has sliced my heart or tugged at my tear ducts…

12. Maybe I’m Amazed – Paul McCartney – Oh god, the first true love break up. This was my college boyfriend’s and my song, and after the million circumstances that broke us up, fate would have it in store for me. I moved into my Mom’s house, into the basement for the summer to make some money. My Dad had just moved away and left his record player and all his records in the basement. Guess what was there. I played it, fell into my bed, cried with tears streaming down my cheeks til the song was over, got up, went over to the record and put the needle back to the start, and cried some more. You know the cycle. I was just so dramatic.

11. Garden State Soundtrack – Really, do I have to say more? You’d have to be a robot not to go through a whole range of emotions after listening to this album. Braff knows him some stuff.

10. Modest Mouse - Good News for People Who Love Bad News – It’s good when the people you love are passionate about things, and Rich is passionate about these guys. It’s a fantastic album, my favorite of theirs. I let him introduce me, and then I tore it up on my own. They rock, and they are off-kilter and artistic and express themselves like no other. Would I have found them on my own? I don’t know, but some of the fun of being together is discovering WHY someone loves something so much.

9. American Beauty – Grateful Dead – This album is just me letting myself be everything sweet and free and beautiful. It reminds me that my spirit is alive, it makes me feel like I belong with other humans on this planet.

8. Les Miserables – I was young (8? 9?), and I don’t know who told me I should listen to this. Or did I see the show first and then get the CD? Doesn’t really matter, point is, it started a whole era of my life. Music had always been Top 40 or my parents’ classic rock, which was fine… but here it was for me. It was triumphant, it was an amazing story told with song, it was gorgeous in that “fairly tale/true love/tragedy” way that I, as an innocent young thing, thought that love would always be. AND there was the fact that you could see it on stage! I wanted to be on stage more than anything, and the character of Cosette, who I realized was my age, I could maybe play! It started a 15 year career in musical theatre for me, not to mention endless more musicals on road trips that my Mom joined along singing with me and my brother wished he had died (and/or killed me).

7. Iron and Wine – The Creek Drank the Cradle – Just for me. I don’t know anyone who loves this sound more than me… most would say it is too morose and somber. But it works for me. Put me anywhere, in any mood, and I will be soothed and at peace listening to this man. Specifically, listening to it watching some ducks swim in an icy stream in the cold in Illinois or somewhere on a work trip. I love that I feel like he’s singing to me, and that nothing in time or space matters really except being here and now.

6. Janet Jackson – Rhythm Nation 1814 – So I love dance and dance music, but it’s harder to feel like my emotional connections lie there. Except for this album. I was teaching dance to kids when this came out, so of course we used it every week. And it was so perfect, so powerful and fun and I feel like it sums up that whole period of time for me. Dance dance dance.

5. If Tha Mood – Esthero – from Wikked Lil’ Girls – Oh God, the sexiness I feel after listening to this song. I had just started learning to hoop with some girls at hoopnotica, and the teacher played this. One of the other girls talked about how much she loved it… and you know when you get a feeling and you just HAVE to go buy an album? I did. I don’t LOVE the whole album… but this song… the horns, the brazen lyrics, the spoken words... I can hoop so well to this song!

4. Sufjan Stevens – C’Mon Feel the Illinoise – Have you ever listened to this album? I don’t know what more there is to say than that… it is so damn smart. I feel alive and engaged listening. And of course, there is Sufjan… oh Sufjan, in your boy scout uniform and huge butterfly wings, you are the most unbelievable unique amazing man.

3. Ani Difranco – Dilate – I am a woman, hear me roar. I love women singers, but more than that I LOVE Ani. I went to see her with my cousins first year in collega and was completely won over. She is so original, so honest, so… she just gets to the heart of it. “Fuck you and your untouchable face and Fuck you for existing in the first place” - Yes, just let her sing it out loud and you’ll feel so much better.

2. OK Computer - Radiohead – College. I had never totally concerned myself with whether I was cool, I was too busy being an actress. But here I was, figuring some things out, and possibly being on the precipice of being cool. I hung out with some guys in a very grungy house, we listened to music all the time, smoked some pot… Then I went home for Christmas and read a Radiohead review that totally intrigued me. They seemed to be where it was at. So I bought it. And I gave it a listen. To be honest, first time I’m not sure how I felt about it. But I brought it back to the boys’ house. And they listened. And HALLELUIAH Radiohead was discovered to us – and they credited ME! I had brought the cool album, the cool sound to us all. I love that album from beginning to end with all my brain and soul, but I let that CD live in their house and get completely trashed, just because I was so happy to have found it and to share and agree.

1. Dark Side of the Moon – Pink Floyd – The first time I knew I was an adult. This album means everything to me. College was over, and I took a solo road trip from Baltimore to Charleston, SC to see my Dad. It was summer, the earth was hot, and I was alive with the fact that THIS WAS LIFE. You drive places. Sometimes by yourself. You’re allowed. And you can have amazing music to guide you. I put that tape into my Chevy Caprice Classic and started driving, and I figured it ALL out

Living the photographs

I have been SOOOOO busy the past few weeks it has been hard to keep up. All good things though, for the most part!

Let's see... first of all I got my first producer credit on our new commercial series. It was exhausting and amazing all at the same time. I am really proud of the series, the actress is great, they're funny, the lighting and production elements are fantastic, I think better than we've ever done. My only complaint would be that I didn't get paid any more than my regular day rate, but I guess I have to consider it all a step on my path. Now I have a producer credit, and that is darn cool.

Then last weekend we went camping in the Redwoods. It was such an amazing experience, similar to my trip to the Sequoias a few years back in it's pure magic. We went with some friends and spent the first two nights with all them, and that was very fun. Rich and I eased into a great camping routine, which was wonderful since we've never camped together before. On the last day, all our friends left and we just had the most fun day together! We took an amazing hike and just laughed and laughed... Just remembering the sunlight streaming in through the trees is so calming. I am a pretty great camper, I don't mind being dirty and I definitely feel a kind of euphoria being outside all the time. It was lovely, too lovely... I am not digging being back at work but I'm trying to relax into it.

Here are some pics. Go, go, go if you can!

my sister is dying

i don't write about this often. i don't think about this often. my sister is dying. slowly. from heroin. and i have become so desensitized that i hardly even remember it. and i hate that. i saw pictures of it tonight. she posted them on her myspace. she was always a pretty girl. she cut off all her hair. her eyes are dark. her neck is full. her face is acnied. she looks like a boy.

she is shoving it in our faces.

she is forcing herself to die.

and all i can think is that i wish she would just die already. because watching her die slowly is not a fucking picnic.

and i hate myself for thinking that.

if i thought i could save her, i would know if was 5 years ago. it is too late unless she does it herself.

a long, long time ago i sang her lullabies every night to go to sleep.

a long, long time ago we wrote them all down because she always wanted to remember all the words.

a long, long time ago she was a beautiful, funny girl.

Catching up...

Well, I haven't written as much lately. I have been terribly busy, and trying to keep up!

Let's see... we film our commercial next Saturday that I get a producer credit on! It's very cool. The girl we cast has been testing really well, she's an amazing find. I have been really stressed about it, but I'm trying to stay cool calm and collected about the whole endeavor. It's hard.

Yoga has been great, and I even got out running this week! I have been feeling like my strength training and yoga have been in place, but my cardio is lamentable. Working on it.

Tonight we're going to a pre-season Dodgers game against the Red Sox. I'm not incredibly excited about it, but I am being a good wife. I have to get up super early on Saturdays to teach sculpt, so I hope it doesn't turn out to be a late night.

Last night Rich and I had a rather intense discussion, I called it our first real "marriage" discussion. He has been crazy into figuring out real estate lately, which I've been encouraging. He looks online all day long, finding houses both here and in other states that we would possibly be able to afford. He started a ING savings account. He paid off his credit debt and is working on getting his score higher. He talked to a home loan person and is figuring out how much of a loan we could get.

All of this is really quite amazing to me, which I tried to articulate last night. I am thrilled at his gumption, and all of it is, obviously, a direction we want to be figuring out since we want to start a family, and to top it all off he is also consulting my Mom for advice which I love. I mean, my Mom is a genius and I want them to have a real relationship, so I adore that he recognizes her as a real resource for knowledge and wants to talk to her.

The interesting thing is that it really is quite a turn for his personality, in my opinion. I mean, the things that I fell in love with Rich for were not his career oriented, money-savvy personality. To me, he is a poet at heart, a Buddhist by nature and the most loyal and loving person I've ever met. But not really the type to be completely infatuated with getting ahead. And in our conversation I tried to get to the bottom of it, which I think we did. He wants our burgeoning family to have stability. Which is a really lovely motive, and not one that I'm ever going to fault him for, it makes me love him more.

However, I also tried to get him to see a bigger picture. He really has gone hog wild with the thing. And though I completely see his points that the housing market is good for buyers right now and that we are essentially throwing rent money down the drain rather than using it to our advantage, the fact is that I'm not sure our lives at present are compatible with buying, and that really is part of it. For one, he knows that I am not comfortable with a long commute. And maybe that seems shallow, but you might not live in California! The places we can afford here are all at least an hour commute each way, and I'm sorry but I can't handle it very well. I will be a miserable person, and I tried to get him to understand that. My point is, what is the point of life if you are miserable for it? I would rather pay rent my whole life (I think?) than be hating my life. And with all my extra activities, teaching sculpt etc., I really need my time away from 9-5 to be open.

Which led to another discussion of whether or not I really want to leave California at all. And this discussion surprised me, because I became really emotional. I guess I really do love my life right now, because when it comes down to it I don't really want to make any changes! I mean, I want to start a family, of course, but other than that I'm really darn happy. I love CA for the weather, the people, my friends, the culture, the ocean, my job, my house (and it's exact location), my yoga studio. It just sucks that we'll never be able to afford something here where we would want to live, but it's also the truth!

All I could tell him is that I really feel that my priorities will change when (god willing) we have a child. I know at some point that having a house with a washer/dryer, with family closer, will become a big priority and that we can change things at that point. And I don't know if I'm stagnating here or if this really is the right decision, but I do know that it is the way I feel. I don't know how much damage we've done to our lives by not owning anything by this point, but I also don't know that another year is going to make a difference.

So he's decided to calm down his searching for a bit. Which is his compromise more than mine, as he pointed out. I really want him to continue to be interested in real estate for when we do actually decide to buy, I just don't think it's exactly the right time yet.

I don't know the answers, but I'm glad we're talking about it. We will figure it out eventually, I believe... and hope...

First Fire Spinning!

So I was really nervous this time, and we thought we didn't get any video, but turns out we did. I know I really don't look that cool... I was absolutely terrified! But here it is. Hopefully many cooler looking videos to come!

A few things to remember...

It was a lovely weekend all around. Spring is definitely in the air here in SoCal, and that is definitely my favorite time of the year. So much happiness and possibility. I know it's all fairly cliche of me to love the sun so much, but I can't deny it.

On Friday night we went and saw one of my most talented friends at her best. Deena Rubinson, who is a singer songwriter and worthy of some of your download time, played at Molly Malone's. It was an amazing show, definitely the best I've ever seen her do and I've been going to her shows for about 6 years now. She has a new band including an incredible guitairist and complimentary back-up singers, along with her wonderful old standby cellist Mike Rainey, drummer and bassist. It's a big sound that compliments her folky/country fun songs but doesn't overpower the more somber fare. Deena is like a modern day troubadour. I've never even heard of someone with the skill she has of crafting a song around particular people and circumstances, she's almost a court musician, but with the songs completely worthy on their own. She wrote two songs for our wedding in August, so beautiful... and I can't wait to get them on tape! She's busy, but I know she'll record them sooner or later and I can post them for everyone to hear. They may even wind up on her next CD!

On Saturday I taught sculpt and took yoga. Sculpt went well... nothing much to report except that I kicked my own students' AND my own ass so hard that I could barely walk on Sunday. Maybe overdid it a little. I'm working on finding the right level.

Then onto yoga with Jay Co., one of my favs. I wanted to jot down one idea from his class that stuck with me. He said that there is an ancient Chinese proverb that says that everyone is born into life with the same amount of breaths. And that if you live your life taking short, hurried breaths then that is what your life will be, short and hurried. But if you can deepen your breath, your life will also be deeper and fuller. A good idea, and a good thing for me to remember if I ever get into teaching yoga more!

The rest of Saturday was a lovely day hanging out with Sarah and Dan, teaching Sarah a little guitar and eating a raw vegan yummy dinner. On Sunday I watched my talented husband play some baseball (he hit a homer as usual and a really nice diving catch in the outfield), and then Sunday night did some fire spinning. I would like to blog about that some more, but maybe later. It was a really crazy experience. Don't worry... I'm not burned. :-)

I found her!

I am so very excited. After a couple weeks of casting, I have found a comedic goddess. She is hilarious. Her name is Suzi Barrett, and she will totally be famous some day! She is just so darn funny. We've cast her for a series of commercials, and I'm just so totally relieved to have found someone so great and funny. I was so worried I wouldn't!

After this round of auditions, I do have one for my wall of shame. Perhaps it's a bit tacky, but I have a wall of shame behind me at my desk at work. It never fails that, at least once in every round of auditions I have someone so crazy that they wind up with their headshot on this wall. I will protect their names, but here are some stories:

1. Let's call her "Montana" - she crashed the audition where we were looking for a pretty girl, complete with unibrow, extremely masculine body type and resume with nothing but drill sargeant experience!

2. "Greg" - I was looking for a sexy straight man. He lookes straight in his headshot... but then he walked into the audition with no shirt on (for real!), asked me to get him some water!, and then proceeded to do his best straight man impersonation, which was not very convincing. At our front desk there's a little candy machine that spits out M&Ms. You have to turn a handle and they go through an obstacle course to get to the bottom. Usually, very bold people visitors may walk up to it and turn it once to get 2 candies. The girls at the front desk told me he walked up there shirtless and turned it 20 times in a row!!!

3. "Elaine" - Very blonde. This may be tough to re-tell, but she came into an audition where the girl was supposed to talk on the phone to an answering service. I encouraged auditioners to use their cell phones rather than miming a phone. When it got to that section in the script, she picked up the cell phone and proceeded to dial. I was reading the other part off camera, and said hello... and she looked at me... then down at the phone... then at me... she didn't seem to understand why the voice wasn't coming from the phone! So she then hid the phone behind her back and proceeded with the scene. Cause that makes sense.

4. "Sarah" - Actually in this last round of auditions. She came in and did a very dry reading. (PS this is for a dental commercial) I told her she could do it again... but to PLEASE bump up the energy and give it her all. She said, do you really want me to go for it? I said yes, of course. So she ran over to her bag and pulled out a huge bag of sugar and a spoon. And she ate it. Big spoonfuls. While doing the EXACT same reading that she did a minute ago! Just chewing sugar! For no apparent reason except that it is a dental commercial and she was supposed to have neglected her teeth... but it had nothing to do with the scene! At the end she said she felt sick. I wanted her to leave the room as quickly as possible, and I knew she was a real estate agent as well, so I tried to make a joke about how hyper she was going to be after all that sugar and said "Well, go sell some houses!" To which she replied "Is that a hint?"

Well, yes, darling, in fact it is.

...and the fire said...

So last night was my lighting up ceremony. And what a welcome it was! So many emotions in the whole experience, I will try to share a few.

First of all, my dear husband came to watch and was instructed to take video on our camera. Of course, as soon as I started spinning the battery on the camera went out! Oh well. He did get some short videos on his cell phone. He very cutely sent them to a lot of his friends with the caption "This is my wife."

So I was a little nervous about the whole affair. I think for many reasons... fire burning me being one!, but also I think that I've just psyched myself up so much for the whole event that I didn't really even know what to expect anymore. Upon getting to the beach, it seemed like it was taking forever to get to the spinning, so by the time we did I was just ready to do it and so, of course, I went first.

As soon as the fire lit up on the end of my poi, the strangest feeling came over me. It is quite the adrenaline rush! But it also felt very... ok, how do I put this? It was like my heart was very active and alive. Tingly. Primal. And I started spinning, but I was pretty conservative. I didn't want to take too many chances on moves I wasn't 100% on. I was a little tentative. I put the poi out, and then I watched the rest of my class, which was so interesting! I mean, I've been practicing with these people for weeks, but their personalities really came out when they lit up. Valentina, this awesome girl who is probably my best friend there, just took to it like nobody's business. She did all the moves and was completely unafraid. Another girl, Marina, was so cute! She lit up and just started laughing and forgot everything. She did nothing but earth (a basic move) but her face and her smile and the fact that she kind of narrated the whole thing made it so special. Jessica, who is also generally quiet, was instantly addicted and loud and wanted to do it again and again. And Charles, who is not the smoothest of spinners and who I was a fire safety for, was completely not scared at all and just freaked out, doing moves he can't do normally and still couldn't do right, but did them anyway and was fine.

I was inspired by my group, so the second time I lit up I was more relaxed and danced it out more. I did chasing the sun (a move over my head) and even messed up a transition, hitting myself in the back for a second, and it was fine! In other words, I got more comfortable quickly. The fire will not burn you if it touches you for just a second, and I knew that but I had to experience it first hand to really believe it.

Fire can create and destroy. It is such a powerful element. It makes you feel powerful and sexy to be around it, dominating it and dancing with it. I've always been a big fan of bonfires, I love going to Burning Man, etc., but I've never had as close of a relationship to it as I do now. My heart still gets tingly just thinking about the whole thing. And watching all the amazing spinners that went after us in the open spin jam, I cannot wait to learn more moves and define my fiery character more.

I'm getting there!

It really is amazing how quickly and exponentially I feel more comfortable teaching the sculpt class! I was not even worried last night, and today was really fun! The girls said they were sore from last week, which is great - why else come to sculpt class?! I was able to be more calm, and really enjoy it more and read them more. Denise said she listened and I'm already using less "ums" than I did at first.

I feel really lucky that I'm starting to use this side of myself, and I'm surprised at how easy it flows. My favorite teachers are the ones that seem to tap into a universal energy when they teach, like a life force that just flows through their bodies and mouths. Hopefully someday I can be like that. Baby steps.

The Second Best Time

Sometimes I don't exactly know where all this fire to do and accomplish comes from... I feel like I used to be very much like this in high school, but it's been a while since this trait was so dominant in my personality. It has become a bit overwhelming! I know that a big part of it is that I really want to start our family, but in realizing that I also want to do EVERYTHING as if I won't be able to do anything anymore as soon as I have a kid. And I think this is partly true! I mean... I probably won't get my yoga certification, be a professional fire dancer AND a spinning and sculpt teacher, at least for a couple of years, if I start a family now. But that doesn't mean it won't ever happen! It CAN happen later in life, and I have to keep reminding myself that I am not that old.

And while I am very proud of the things I am working to accomplish now, I also have begun to feel like life is just thing after thing with absolutely no time for reflection. It's almost like it's an addiction. I keep feeding it and feeding it, but I end up feeling scattered. I love my fire dancing, it's an absolute joy, especially when I get lost in the movement. I love working at the yoga studio, because I feel like I'm helping out my community and learning how to run a business. I love teaching sculpt, because I'm gaining confidence exponentially and standing on my own two feet as an instructor. I love taking yoga, it keeps me sane and involved in life, and I would love nothing more than to get my yoga certification. I love getting my CPR training and trying to get my cycle class together because, while all the things I named above are great, I'm not actually making money at any of them yet which is a good part of the reason I'm trying to do all this! And work! Well, that's a whole other big part of the pie, and I am actually busy there and feel like I'm growing, so it's not so bad either.

So it's all great... but whew! When do I get off the train? When was the last time I cooked dinner at home???

I was talking to Denise at Your Neighborhood Studio tonight, and she recommended that I reflect a bit and focus more. Like pick what I want to do. Which I have to agree with, seeing as I'm really spinning in circles. But it's so hard when you really enjoy it all! I mean, if I could I would give up the 9-5, but seeing as that makes the rest possible it's not so much of an option!

Where is all of this energy to accomplish coming from, though? It's a real question. Am I going through a normal 30 year old stage that will calm down? Is it still the weather, and will I relax when the summer winds start to blow? Will I just get pregnant eventually and put the dreams aside? And the best question of all - WHERE exactly were all these ambitions during the decade of my 20s when I actually had real time to accomplish them all????

Oh well. My boss has a quote on his desk:
The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is today.

More fire...

My husband is coming to my lighting up ceremony, so hopefully I'll be able to post video!

All Safety All the TIME!

So I'm dubbing this my safety week. On Sunday we have our first "lighting up ceremony" from the fire dancing class that I've been taking. So we had a fire safety class... or should I say a "scare you half to death that fire is going to eat your face!" class. I am a little scared. And a little excited at the same time! I know all of the guidelines and I feel very comfortable spinning, so I think I'll be ok and I'm thrilled to try something new. If I like it, I am going to be an incredible responsible fire dancer with all the proper gear (fire extinguisher, first aid kit, etc.), and if I don't, well I can just keep spinning with my light toys!

AND I decided to take a CPR certification course this week! On Saturday. I have always wanted to do it, and since I've been teaching the sculpt class and want to teach spinning too, I figured it's a good thing to have. I'm excited!

Trying to make it fun.

So I had a small epiphany today about... well, the dreaded work project. Let's call it Project X. It has still been giving me a terrible time, it basically panics me every time I think about it and makes my days tough. But today I was... well, even more wired than usual, I was doing a photo shoot and trying to get 50 more actors to come in AND dealing with trying to launch a part of Project X by Friday. So I was literally running around like a chicken with my head cut off. But this made me kind of silly, and so when I came up to people asking them for pieces of Project X, I was being really silly and saying things like "OH my gosh our favorite project! Can you even stop dreaming about it, it's so fabulous??? Do you tell your husband about it when you go home it's so great?"

And by the end of the day, a couple of co-workers were so amused that they said they couldn't wait to work on it more tomorrow with me!

And I guess I shouldn't have to do that, but it made everything so much more bearable! Lightened the whole feeling of it in my mind.

So I am going to keep trying to make it fun.
I'll keep you posted.
I know you JUST CAN'T WAIT!!!!! :-)

I choose you, Pikachu!

Work has been crazy busy... but fun! (minus the one awful project)
I am casting right now for a comic woman, I've already seen 50 women and another 50 this week. It's great to be supportive of female comedians, so I'm really enjoying it. In fact... I should tell some good audition stories here! I will... but not right now.

I just wanted to remember a few quick things from yoga last night, before my brain loses them!

First, Vanessa started off the class with the thought that "Of all the things the universe could create, it chose to create you." I liked that thought a lot... kind of in keeping with the quote that my blog was founded on, that we are all children of the universe. It's fascinating to me that I am not religious anymore, in fact, I really cringe at organized religion and the word God. But I do take great comfort in the idea that we are here for a reason, and maybe I am just substituting the word universe while most people us God. I am ok with that. I understand why people need that comfort, however it comes to them.

Also, she said at one point that "Pain is the breaking away of a shell." I'm probably not quoting her correctly, but it was something like that. It is in keeping with a book I'm reading right now, which basically says that if you're not growing, you're dying. Meaning that it's all well and good to keep taking the same yoga class day in and day out, but if you're not pushing your boundaries, stretching further than you did the day before into what might be slightly painful, then you are not breaking your shell and growing. I think it's a perfect metaphor for life.

ok, gotta run right now but hopefully I'll have some time for some good stories soon!

Keeping the Dream Alive.

Is it bad that I still have all my Christmas lights and Christmas cards still up? They're just so pretty!!!

Balloons of Stuff

Ever have those times where you literally feel like you're going to explode? And not just from stress... it's everything, it's stress, it's emotions, it's hormones, it's alive dreams and dead dreams, it's fears, it's hope, it's frustration, it's confusion, it's doubts, it's expansion, it's just EVERYTHING! Yes, I am feeling like that. Like a big, big balloon of STUFF. Like if you could just pop me, it would do me a lot of good.

And it's good to feel, and it's good because I'm alive and connected (too connected perhaps). But oh geesh! It's a crazy thing to feel.

So what can I say? What's been filling my brain? Maybe if I write it here it will help.

(*Disclaimer here - the next paragraphs are mostly for my release. Upon re-reading, you would really have to be masochistic to want to travel into these crevices of my brain. Save yourself the trouble.*)

Work is hard right now. And I say that in the best way, because I don't complain about work too much (other than the dull classic wasting your life syndrome). But usually it's really quite manageable. Sometimes not enough to keep me busy, sometimes a little too much. Sometimes projects I like, sometimes not so much. But I am "well kept," if that makes any sense. I don't live in fear that I will get sick, I have wonderful health insurance. I don't worry everyday that I will lose my job, I know they like me and I feel secure. I don't have to hide my personality or my style, I am accepte d for who I am and encouraged. I don't make a ton of money by any stretch of the imagination, but I also never want and I am honestly comfortable. So I think I have it good.

But sometimes it all just turns against you! As I suppose it needs to sometimes so you can remember what you DO like about it. I am working on one especially tedious and, in my estimation, really awful project. Not that it's that awful... but it is, to my mind, un-freaking-believably boring (not one thing about it interests me) BUT also not at all menial. It isn't filing, where you can lose yourself for a couple hours and feel accomplished afterwards. It involves thinking, thinking in an awful way for me (how can we get the most out of this company? how can we stay on top of them to sqeeze every dollar out of the relationship as is possible because we DID pay an exorbitant amount to them) and intense, intense organization and pushing. I compare it to pushing a very large rock straight uphill, because the fact of the matter is that NO ONE really likes doing anything for the project because they all know it sucks as much as I do. No one gets excited when I come looking for things related to it. And I don't either. Basically it's a suck fest.

And it doesn't take all my time, which in the end may be part of the problem. When I sit down at my desk, and I am generally busy like I have been this year (I've also organized and executed 8 photo shoots and one commercial since the 1st), I have a really hard time deciding to dedicate time to awful project A. So sometimes I don't. And, long story coming to short (I know, already, right??? See, even writing about it is so boring you want to shoot yourself in the head!), I have been slightly slacking and it was noticed. And I promptly grabbed back hold, and I think I have it on track now. But basically I hate failing. So it sucked. Just as bad as the project.

ANYWAY... onto hopefully slightly more interesting things. My husband is home. As you may have noticed by the lack of postings. It is, in my estimation, near to impossible to "journal" with someone else sitting in the room. So I may have to figure that out further, because I have really enjoyed the writing process. In fact, I am deflating as I type.

Having Rich home has been much more complicated than one word could possible sum up. All the people in the office asking me if I'm "soooooo happy!" now that he's home. You know what? I am happy. And sad. And confused... a whole bunch of emotions. I was really nervous to see him. I mean, 6 weeks all by myself as an adult, the first time in many years, I went through some serious changes. And he obviously went through some serious changes, having a college-like experience at the age of 30. But the second I saw him, all the nervousness was gone. He is just Rich, my friend, my husband, with a better tan! And it has been great to have human contact, but it's also been a change! We have been doing a bit of a dance, feeling each other out and figuring out how we relate again. And everything that was always great still is. He is so supportive and doting, he's a doll. But he's obviously suffered some disappointment, and he is reacclamating to an old life he didn't totally want to return to (job wise). So we're getting along, and we're learning to (well, maybe I'm just learning) let each other into our day to day lives and hearts again. And maybe this sounds awful to you, that it would be so hard after just so short a time being married. But I have to say F that. Marriage is hard, relationships are hard. And having someone leave for so long so early into a marriage was a risk, one that I am proud we took. And we are working together and communicating, and that is all that I believe is important.

So I guess I would say that those are the biggest pockets of air filling my balloon. Although all my side ambitions are filling it up here and there too. Babies and certifications and classes and goals and dreams I'm trying to make happen are all in there too. But I think, for tonight, I am just going to try and release.

Although I am proud of the goals I am trying to accomplish, I think I let them cloud my ability to enjoy minute to minute life. So that's all I'm going to concentrate on tonight. Life is good. Worry is not. Diffuse. Decompress. Disappear for a minute.

I can never sleep.

I have been a little too tense lately. I can't seem to sleep. MUST GO TO BED!

End of an Era

Maybe a tad dramatic...
We just found out that Rich did not get placed after umpire school. He did really well on all tests and physical evaluations, but in the end it seems it may have been just too competitive? I don't know. They placed 25 out of 130 students. He is pretty bummed. Understandably. I am too. We were looking at this as a possible life change. And we will roll with it, certainly, we'll be fine. But it's just not the best day in the world.

However the best day in the world WILL be when he comes home in 2 days! Yahooooo!!!

We'll figure the rest of it out later. :-)

ok

I am officially lonely and ready for my husband to get home.

As if you couldn't tell by the post below.

A manifesto on equanimity

So I'm reading "Yoga and the Quest for the True Self." It's a great book, although it's a slow read because it's packed with such intense information. I came today to a section called "Calm Abiding," and in it is says:
"...the Bhagavad Gita defines yoga as 'equanimity,' using the Sanskrit word samatva, which literally means 'sameness' or 'evenness.' This quality of evenness is essential to the practice because it creates an instument of knowing that is nonreactive. Yogic teaching says that we have to learn gradually to tolerate sensations and feelings in the physical body, and thoughts in the mind, without reacting to them by either holding or pushing away. "

This passage interested me intensely. First of all, I realized I didn't know the meaning of "equanimity!" I mean I get the idea here, but I had never really contemplated it a a word, though I have thought about the concept. Dictionary.com tells me that equanimity is "The quality of being calm and even-tempered; composure." Ok. I get that, although I fancy that I like to think of the evenness not only as being composed, but also evenness in terms of the people around us. Am I adding meaning? Oh well, if I am I am, I am going to think of it that way for right now. I can kind of infer it from the passage, and from my practice which reminds me that we are all the same, even, more than we are different. I find this concept really intriguing. I mean, our society right now places so much emphasis on individuality. What is your favorite color? What kind of music do you like? Are you a morning person or a night person? I know I take a lot of pride in the ways that I'm different, my free spirit and willingness to take chances and try new things being chief among them. But what about the ways that we're all the same? In the end, aren't we all just doing the best we can with the circumstances we're given, breathing in and out, living in our bodies and minds and hopefully discovering ourselves, relating and being able to love each other? I think this is a buddhist concept, although I need to bone up a little on my buddhist teachings. But right now, at this point in my life, I feel less of a NEED to prove the ways that I'm different. I know that I am. I am going to concentrate on the ways that I'm human, and how I can relate better to others.

Whew. Long side track. I have one more specific issue with the earlier reading from my book. And that is... I'm not really so sure I always agree with this idea of being so calm all the time!!! Again, I think this is another buddhist concept. You meditate, you reach stillness, and then you try and incorporate that into every aspect of your life. Then you're smooth like silk, all of your dealings can be neutral and positive, you don't let people rattle you, and then I guess the idea is that you can see more clearly, understand the universe more correctly, etc. My Dad (who is Buddhist by the way) tried to get me to be more like that, unsuccessfully most of the time. (I was a very dramatic teenager). My husband is also very much like this. Both by nature and from studying. He is able to be so damn calm about stuff. Like right now, he finds out Tuesday if he is going to be placed as an umpire or if he is just going to come home and work a normal job here, it's a very big day! And I am much more emotional about it than him! I mean, I try and be calm sometimes, and it sometimes works, but it definitely doesn't come naturally.

But I'm not sure it should! Ok... long story here that I won't try and get totally into, but I after I first moved to LA I had a brief stint in Scientology. I took a class there and debated it's merits, which were good by the way. The concepts made sense, etc. But what drew me away from it was the fact that it seemed to turn its believers into emotionless robots! I wonder if I would feel the same way about Buddhist monks if I met them? I do see the benefit of meditation, but if we were made human and given these emotions, I have a hard time believing we should completely supress them. Maybe I'm too attached. But the boldest memories that have shaped my life involve emotions that capture my heart. My Mom relating the death of her brother and my aunt, and the way it encompassed her self with sorrow. My sister's pain, almost from birth, about how the world works and she fits in it. I have also been able to find real encompassing joy, ecstatic joy, in dancing and frienships and humor and sex, etc. I want to hold onto these emotions. None of these highs and lows would I ever want to erase in my life for the trade off of complete equanimity.

Whew. I never knew I would have so much to say about a word that I just learned today. Feel free to share your thoughts on this word too!!!

Knocking on Heaven's Door

I don't know if this is awful or sacriligeous or eerie or what, but I mean it as a tribute. I am playing Bob Marley's version of "Knocking On Heaven's Door." I'm so sorry it was such a short stay for you, Marley, and I hope heaven is working out for you.

Inbox of Death

No, I really mean it.
In the last 10 minutes I have gotten two emails of death in my inbox. How strange and surreal. What a crazy world we live in.

The first was from my father, a dear friend of his that passed. They were high school buddies, lifelong buddies, sportsmen buddies... Butch Maguire. Though I don't know him that well, the name is so familiar from my Dad's lips that it feels like family. It is so scary when my parent's friends pass away from normal circumstances, it can't be that close can it? I feel for my Dad, I feel for older people who have to endure so much death to people close to them. It just sucks.

And then... oh God. I mean, I know it seems a little silly that I would feel this strongly about someone I don't know that well... but I just felt a kindred spirit. My hairdresser, Silvia, who I've been to twice and was enormously pregnant promised to send an email picture when the baby was born. The title of the email was "Thank You," with no attachment, and the first thing I thought was damn, no pictures yet of baby Marley (she had named him or her that). But then I opened it. She was thanking everyone for their well wishes, but letting us know it was not time for Marley. He came and went, and she called him her "lil angel" now. Oh god. I really can't stop the tears. Silvia is such an amazing spirit, a little thing with tons of tattoos and crazy hair and piercings, and I just adored the story of her and this baby. It was an unexpected pregnancy, but she just ran with it. She and her boyfriend had a tough time of it, when I first went to her she had just moved out. But she was so positive about it, and loving being pregnant and nesting and going to yoga and just loving life. When I just went to her a couple weeks ago they were back together, though not living together. She was so incredibly excited about Marley. She was financially set for a couple of months, and I was so impressed with how calm she was. She talked about not being able to wait to just stare down at his little eyes and see his or her face.

These life lessons. You know, I've been struggling with whether or not this is the time to have a baby. But after seeing how hard it is for so many friends to get pregnant at all, and the loss that Silvia has gone through... and knowing that deep in my bones I absolutely need to be a mother in this life, I think that I need to stop worrying about whether or not this is the time, and just worry that the universe can even provide me with this request. Or better yet, not worry at all! I pray, I hope... and I am going to start letting the universe work naturally if it is meant to be.

the freedom hangs in the balance

In yoga tonight I was reminded of a couple of things. At one point in a hairy half moon, our amazing translucent instructor Vanessa said "I was reminded that the amount of freedom in our lives is directly proportionate to the amount we can let go." I liked this. Meaning, if we want to find freedom in this crazy pose, we also have to not be afraid to let go. Let go to the point of falling, if need be, in order to find the pose. Although, I think in life this is true but also needs to be tempered. Take my family, for the most part. I mean, my brother, my sisters... they're really darn good at "letting go." I mean, nothing bothers them. They can destroy their bodies with substances, all in the name of "letting go" and "finding freedom." So although I see the value in finding this freedom... where are we if have no ground to support us when we fall? So, to get another yoga lesson, there is also balance. Freedom is only good as there is structure to hold us. I could not be finding my body to release and learn these lessons if I did not actually come to yoga instead of sitting in front of the tv.

I'm not sure if any of this is making sense. It's been a long day. And I am starting to really miss my hubby. The break has allowed me a lot of time to devote to experiences I might not if he were not here, like blogging! And more yoga than usual, and fire spinning. And I've been re-learning stuff, like how much I can handle myself. When he is here, I tend to rely on him a lot for silly things like going to the store, etc. And it's all not that hard to do by myself.

I guess I hope I can hold onto these lessons when he gets back. I've got about 2 weeks left. But I also find myself getting a little brittle, hard, and I long for his arms to hold me for about 2 days straight and thaw me out.

A crises of the empathetic variety...

Ugh. Monday morning at work... never really a good time to be alive, but today is especially hard. Today I am casting for a photo shoot. I usually love casting, something I get to do fairly often for all of our commercials, photo shoots, etc. I love finding the perfect person, which can be hard, especially condidering we cast non-union and don't pay a lot, so I feel like I'm finding undiscovered talent that will soon know better and be out of our league! Sometimes, however, it really gets to me. Like today. Trying to find the perfect slightly older dentist... like late 40s or 50s, salt and pepper hair, nice smile, trusting face. The problem is that with older people, they usually don't look as good. If they're not union and working all the time, there is usually somthing wrong. Like their teeth are bad, skin bad, or they're just batshit crazy and you can tell. With young Hollywood peeps, I don't feel as bad making them come in, because they're young and dumb and will figure out soon enough whether this acting thing is going to work out or not. But these older people are tough. I just had a guy come in, really talented, wonderful British accent, does a lot of Shakespeare festivals and such... but his smile was just not good. He looked like an uncomfortable chipmunk. And I don't like analyzing how bad he was, and saying thank you to him, knowing that he got his hopes up and came all the way out here and he's really sweet.

Anyway, it can be a tough job. Especially considering I don't know how I'm going to find the guy I need!

I think, also part of my problem is that it's Monday morning. After a lovely weekend of tons of yoga classes and encouragement and joy, it's hard to not be empathetic. I mean, in yoga, everyone goes and their own level and is successful doing as much as they can. Health and success is the goal, and everyone achieves it in their own way just by stepping onto the mat. It is so vastly different from coordinating all these actors to come in, getting their hopes up, dragging them in even if I probably know they're not exactly right, and then breaking them down and finding their bad points. I feel ugly about it.

Ok, gotta go put on a tough face and drop some of this empathy! I do feel that this emotion, which I hold close to me, is a double edged sword. While I love that I can read people and therefore help them in the best scenario, I also get bogged down in my own humanity by always knowing the feelings of others. I talked to my yoga studio instuctor, Denise, about this once. It's not something you can change, so the best you can do is try to keep your own self and your feelings sacred, you can feel what other people are feeling but not have it affect you. I remember feeling it from a very young age. Knowing so well how my sister felt about things and the unfairness of life. Lying in bed at night and listening to the adults talk downstairs and knowing, just from the tone of their voices, how they were feeling.

Ok I've gotta get out of this reverie state and get to work!

Enjoy the Process

So I just turned out all the lights in my house, turned on some Sector 9 and started spinning and playing with the glowing LED orbs that I got to spin with (no I am not on drugs, perfectly sober thank you very much). I had the feeling just like when I started hooping, just a glorious thrill that I could groove and spin and dance all night, even though I only know like 3 moves! Maybe when I get so upset at myself for not knowing everything there is to know (why can't I fire spin already? it's going to take 9 months! why am I not already teaching yoga? etc. etc.), I should remember that I love learning these things. ENJOY THE PROCESS already. Geesh.

Spirit Dancing

So it's raining like crazy today. Like POURING when I leave the office after a fairly stressful afternoon. Got home at 6:15 a little irritated, and yoga is at 6:30... could stay at home or could just barely make it... these are always the best times to go and I'm so glad that I did! For some reason, from the moment I stepped into Your Neighborhood Studio I couldn't even keep the grin off my face! I do so love being around wonderful people and moving my body. Anyway, class was wonderful with sub Jay Co., whose Sat class I adore, and I felt great. At the end of it, as we were starting savasana after only an hour (I usually do an hour and a half class but Wed nights are shorter), I thought I would fail miserably. Yes, although I do realize that failing miserably at a pose that is named corpse pose because you literally have to do NOTHING like you are dead may seem strange, but the idea is to quiet your mind and I knew I was still really awake and alive. So I laid there for a minute, trying to think of nothing but instead returning mentally to last night's fire spinning class (more on that in a min!). So I'm twirling in my mind while laying there... but wouldn't you know it, I start feeling really crazily intense inside, like my spirit is just lifting out of my body. Seriously. I mean, I know it's very meditation guru granola-y, but I really felt like I was lifting out and my body remained. I've only experienced this one time before at the end of a yoga class about 4 years ago, but never gotten back. And that time too, I realized that my spirit self was totally dancing. Like ballet-y, incredibly expressive dancing (specifically pas de chats for any dance geeks out there). It is really an amazing experience. For whatever reason, I feel like I know officially that my spirit is a dancer. I need a stamp or something.

So... I guess obviously you can tell that I also enjoyed my first fire spinning class last night. It was awesome. We don't spin real fire until our 12th class, just these sandbag things on strings. I didn't know how I'd take to it, because I had tried before at BurningMan with other people teaching me and I didn't get it. But the girls of Fire Groove were great and I picked it up right away and was jamming out!!! I can't wait to learn more and more and make it into my own unique... well... spirit dance.

I wonder...

It has been a lovely weekend so far. I suppose I am somewhat of a weekend warrior, getting thru just to feel alive outside of the work week. I do the best I can. I went to an amazing full moon event on the beach tonight. Such unbelievable fire dancers and free spirits. Makes me feel so alive and full. Played some guitar today and danced for 3 hours. These are certainly days I live for. And one more to go... thank you go Martin Luther King. And not just because I get a holiday, as some ignorant person said today. Thank you to him for being such a courageous soul, period.

Anyway, late nights by myself always get me thinking. At the heart of me I know I'm a sad soul, no matter what the optimist day will tell you. I think of my sisters and how fucked up they are, worry about them, I think of the suffering of humanity, I feed the demons that live inside me... how can you not sometimes? After all, this is life and why should we shield ourselves with fancy things to keep out realities? Who can really keep up the folly of sunshine all the time?

I can't, but you might think I could.

Salesman's Daughter

Whew. I was being a bit harsh on myself yesterday. I went home and got the house all cozy last night, at some dinner, fought with Rich on the phone (oops!) and eventually felt a little better. One thing I have been doing well lately is with my diet. Without Rich here I find it a bit easier. I don't really do too much meat (in fact I haven't eaten meat yet this year!) and ever since the cleanse I haven't had any sweets either. We'll see how long I can keep it up!

I watched the movie "Coal Miner's Daughter" last night. Wow. My friends Jeff & Lacey recommended it, and I am so glad they did. It was just incredible! Sissy Spacek won an Academy Award for her portrayal of Loretta Lynn, and she was unreal. One of the best performances I've ever seen. She sang all of her own stuff! And Tommy Lee Jones as her husband was amazing too. I loved the bit of role reversal going on with their relationship, he had to take a backseat to his wife's fame and I found that really interesting. I highly recommend this movie, rent it right away!

Ok, I am off to slave through another work day. At least Monday is MLK day. Woo hoo for 3 day weekends!

Resolutions? Reservations? Reinvention? Reincarnation?

So lately I've been feeling very inspired and revved up, but with little outcome and much frustration. There is just SO much going on in this head of mine! It is somewhat a normal yearly cycle to me. The winter I start hibernating and being always amazed by it, wondering what is wrong with me? Then the introspection takes the form of goal setting... which then kinda goes somewhere and kinda doesn't until it's spring and I start really enjoying myself and life again, then summer when I really kick into a mode of pure living and enjoyment, and the goals sometimes get left by the wayside. And I have trouble deciphering if I'm too hard on myself with these goals (I mean, I already do work a full time job, excercise most every day, work part time at a yoga studio and planned and executed a wedding last year)... but mostly I think I lack follow through and am stuck in some kind of fear. My goals this year mainly revolve around wanting to be teaching excercise (yoga, spinning, sculpt) rather than participating. I feel like I have a real passion that I desperately want to share with people, and I've taken steps and gotten certifications, etc., but then I get stilted. Add on to that that I'd really love to become a mother this year, and then I get into complete fear mode! How can I do it all? Or is that some sort of 80s woman cliche, and my summer mentality of just enjoying life as it comes is more correct? Anyway, I guess I've decided to write a bit. Maybe it will help. I've been really inspired by some bloggers out there, namely http://bohemiangirldesigns.blogspot.com/ and http://www.sarcomical.com/, and I realized that they are just writing out there and I am loving reading it! My husband (we got married in August) is away for 6 weeks. You ready for where? He's at Major League Baseball Umpire Training Camp. How's that for unique? He is doing great, and for the most part, so have I. I started the year with the goals of really getting into yoga practice, and I also did the Master Cleanse, which is incidentally how I found those other bloggers. They helped me a bit with the day to day of the cleanse, which was an extremely interesting process. I honestly felt amazing, especially after the first 3 days. I set that goal and attained it. So I suppose I am maybe pushing myself a little too hard, with no one (namely my husband) home to comfort me for a few hours a night and let me know that I'm being too hard on myself. Because lately all I see is panic, panic that I'm not reaching these goals which are not even that clearly defined, these goals that are somehow magically going to assure me that I am in fact going to be ready to have a child this year, all my ducks are in a row, somehow I won't have to work full time I can just teach exercise part time and we will live on my husband's brand new salary (which is not going to be much, but we're not really consumers too much anyway). But the fact is we probably really won't have enough money, and everything is really not going to be easy, and probably never will be again until the kid is way older. But I want a child more than anything, and I think the older I get the more scared I get at the same time, and I can't let that keep me from doing it! I have had an amazing time, I didn't get married too young, I've been wild and free and loose and wonderful, and now I am ready to create a family. I know that deep down. Even as I write it I feel my shoulders loosen a little. And yoga will always be there, and teaching will always be there, and I will figure it out as it happens. If I have gotten by thus far in life, I know I will keep going and life will keep providing and being magical. I am, after all, a child of the universe.