Balloons of Stuff

Ever have those times where you literally feel like you're going to explode? And not just from stress... it's everything, it's stress, it's emotions, it's hormones, it's alive dreams and dead dreams, it's fears, it's hope, it's frustration, it's confusion, it's doubts, it's expansion, it's just EVERYTHING! Yes, I am feeling like that. Like a big, big balloon of STUFF. Like if you could just pop me, it would do me a lot of good.

And it's good to feel, and it's good because I'm alive and connected (too connected perhaps). But oh geesh! It's a crazy thing to feel.

So what can I say? What's been filling my brain? Maybe if I write it here it will help.

(*Disclaimer here - the next paragraphs are mostly for my release. Upon re-reading, you would really have to be masochistic to want to travel into these crevices of my brain. Save yourself the trouble.*)

Work is hard right now. And I say that in the best way, because I don't complain about work too much (other than the dull classic wasting your life syndrome). But usually it's really quite manageable. Sometimes not enough to keep me busy, sometimes a little too much. Sometimes projects I like, sometimes not so much. But I am "well kept," if that makes any sense. I don't live in fear that I will get sick, I have wonderful health insurance. I don't worry everyday that I will lose my job, I know they like me and I feel secure. I don't have to hide my personality or my style, I am accepte d for who I am and encouraged. I don't make a ton of money by any stretch of the imagination, but I also never want and I am honestly comfortable. So I think I have it good.

But sometimes it all just turns against you! As I suppose it needs to sometimes so you can remember what you DO like about it. I am working on one especially tedious and, in my estimation, really awful project. Not that it's that awful... but it is, to my mind, un-freaking-believably boring (not one thing about it interests me) BUT also not at all menial. It isn't filing, where you can lose yourself for a couple hours and feel accomplished afterwards. It involves thinking, thinking in an awful way for me (how can we get the most out of this company? how can we stay on top of them to sqeeze every dollar out of the relationship as is possible because we DID pay an exorbitant amount to them) and intense, intense organization and pushing. I compare it to pushing a very large rock straight uphill, because the fact of the matter is that NO ONE really likes doing anything for the project because they all know it sucks as much as I do. No one gets excited when I come looking for things related to it. And I don't either. Basically it's a suck fest.

And it doesn't take all my time, which in the end may be part of the problem. When I sit down at my desk, and I am generally busy like I have been this year (I've also organized and executed 8 photo shoots and one commercial since the 1st), I have a really hard time deciding to dedicate time to awful project A. So sometimes I don't. And, long story coming to short (I know, already, right??? See, even writing about it is so boring you want to shoot yourself in the head!), I have been slightly slacking and it was noticed. And I promptly grabbed back hold, and I think I have it on track now. But basically I hate failing. So it sucked. Just as bad as the project.

ANYWAY... onto hopefully slightly more interesting things. My husband is home. As you may have noticed by the lack of postings. It is, in my estimation, near to impossible to "journal" with someone else sitting in the room. So I may have to figure that out further, because I have really enjoyed the writing process. In fact, I am deflating as I type.

Having Rich home has been much more complicated than one word could possible sum up. All the people in the office asking me if I'm "soooooo happy!" now that he's home. You know what? I am happy. And sad. And confused... a whole bunch of emotions. I was really nervous to see him. I mean, 6 weeks all by myself as an adult, the first time in many years, I went through some serious changes. And he obviously went through some serious changes, having a college-like experience at the age of 30. But the second I saw him, all the nervousness was gone. He is just Rich, my friend, my husband, with a better tan! And it has been great to have human contact, but it's also been a change! We have been doing a bit of a dance, feeling each other out and figuring out how we relate again. And everything that was always great still is. He is so supportive and doting, he's a doll. But he's obviously suffered some disappointment, and he is reacclamating to an old life he didn't totally want to return to (job wise). So we're getting along, and we're learning to (well, maybe I'm just learning) let each other into our day to day lives and hearts again. And maybe this sounds awful to you, that it would be so hard after just so short a time being married. But I have to say F that. Marriage is hard, relationships are hard. And having someone leave for so long so early into a marriage was a risk, one that I am proud we took. And we are working together and communicating, and that is all that I believe is important.

So I guess I would say that those are the biggest pockets of air filling my balloon. Although all my side ambitions are filling it up here and there too. Babies and certifications and classes and goals and dreams I'm trying to make happen are all in there too. But I think, for tonight, I am just going to try and release.

Although I am proud of the goals I am trying to accomplish, I think I let them cloud my ability to enjoy minute to minute life. So that's all I'm going to concentrate on tonight. Life is good. Worry is not. Diffuse. Decompress. Disappear for a minute.