Inbox of Death

No, I really mean it.
In the last 10 minutes I have gotten two emails of death in my inbox. How strange and surreal. What a crazy world we live in.

The first was from my father, a dear friend of his that passed. They were high school buddies, lifelong buddies, sportsmen buddies... Butch Maguire. Though I don't know him that well, the name is so familiar from my Dad's lips that it feels like family. It is so scary when my parent's friends pass away from normal circumstances, it can't be that close can it? I feel for my Dad, I feel for older people who have to endure so much death to people close to them. It just sucks.

And then... oh God. I mean, I know it seems a little silly that I would feel this strongly about someone I don't know that well... but I just felt a kindred spirit. My hairdresser, Silvia, who I've been to twice and was enormously pregnant promised to send an email picture when the baby was born. The title of the email was "Thank You," with no attachment, and the first thing I thought was damn, no pictures yet of baby Marley (she had named him or her that). But then I opened it. She was thanking everyone for their well wishes, but letting us know it was not time for Marley. He came and went, and she called him her "lil angel" now. Oh god. I really can't stop the tears. Silvia is such an amazing spirit, a little thing with tons of tattoos and crazy hair and piercings, and I just adored the story of her and this baby. It was an unexpected pregnancy, but she just ran with it. She and her boyfriend had a tough time of it, when I first went to her she had just moved out. But she was so positive about it, and loving being pregnant and nesting and going to yoga and just loving life. When I just went to her a couple weeks ago they were back together, though not living together. She was so incredibly excited about Marley. She was financially set for a couple of months, and I was so impressed with how calm she was. She talked about not being able to wait to just stare down at his little eyes and see his or her face.

These life lessons. You know, I've been struggling with whether or not this is the time to have a baby. But after seeing how hard it is for so many friends to get pregnant at all, and the loss that Silvia has gone through... and knowing that deep in my bones I absolutely need to be a mother in this life, I think that I need to stop worrying about whether or not this is the time, and just worry that the universe can even provide me with this request. Or better yet, not worry at all! I pray, I hope... and I am going to start letting the universe work naturally if it is meant to be.