Lucent Dossier

When I was considering starting a family, I felt concerned. Though I’ve always been drawn to motherhood, I also spent years becoming comfortable with myself, developing confidence in my life and my body. Would I have to change all that? Did getting pregnant mean for me what I saw it meant for so many others – staying at home, being covered up and hiding all day?

 

Thoughts running through my mind in February 2009, when I went to see the fabulous Lucent Dossier perform at Lucent L’Amour. And as I sat on the pavement in downtown Los Angeles in a fabulous get-up with hundreds of beautiful like-minded souls, a magical thing happened. I mean many magical things – such is Lucent Dossier – but an especially magical one for me. Up on stage, unapologetic and fierce as could be, was a very obviously pregnant woman in a tight leotard, and she was ROCKING it. Dancing, thrashing, totally in sync with everyone and yet with her own completely radiant charm. When we left, my husband Rich and I talked about the show, and both of us brought her up immediately. It seemed she gave us hope that life as we knew it could continue into pregnancy, that it WAS possible to be unique and eccentric and amazing and fierce… while carrying life inside you. Walls crashed down in my mind. I was inspired.

 

And then, the beautiful  human life cycle did indeed happen to me. And pregnancy brings all kinds of feelings, way too many to pretend to get into here. And yet, I continued to live my life the way I know how, listening to my heart and attending events and concerts and dancing and hula hooping, being joyful and trying not to hide any of it.

 

When I heard that Lucent Dossier was having a video contest to be in one of their shows, I knew that life was coming full circle, and was thrilled for the opportunity to show them how much inspiration they had given me! So I filmed my piece and sent it in, and loved the process of doing it without being attached too much to the outcome. Just expressing myself felt right.

Lo and behold, on Wednesday, two days before the Lucent Dossier show “Ravenous Rouge” at the El Rey, a lovely lass named Dayna gave word that I was the winner of this contest and would be performing with them! Wheeeeee! How hearts can jump up and down (probably mine and the baby’s too!)

 

And so I traveled, in my mind, to the mythical land where these fairies come up with their special brand of magic, aka a loft downtown, for my rehearsal. And I was nervous. Like, head spinning nervous. Felt alive. And I took a deep breath, and I walked in. And how to describe what came next? Well, meeting these talents was, in itself, quite something, but unlike the fairies in my mind there was quite a lot of reality here. I think the main thing I took away from their rehearsal process is that, at the core, it is HARD WORK. These folks are putting in the hard work that is required for them to be so fabulous. I mean, it’s playing too, but done with intention and heart and common goals. Just as their amazing talents were not born overnight, so do they dedicate themselves to the art of putting their show together.

 

I can’t say exactly what I expected to be doing in the show, maybe a walk on for a split second to show the costume? Or a station on the side where I had a specific task? I can say, for certain, that I never quite dreamed I would get thrown in completely to sink or swim, asked to simply play with everyone on stage, learn musical numbers and bits, interact completely. And yet, there it was, and the second part of what makes this journey so memorable and empowering. Yes, I have been on stage before, but it’s been a while, and this was such a completely different experience. I’m used to memorizing lines and having rehearsal time, and this was about the show being tomorrow!, and creating moments that are real and stylized. Again, a deep breath, and I jumped in, and I’m so glad I did. Tearing down walls in my mind once again, daring to look silly and be exposed, which does good for a soul.

 

Interestingly, though the whole journey was learning to be at peace with my body, and even though I knew that I was being embraced in this environment, all of the body fears were still present! Maybe since the Lucents are such a lithe bunch, or maybe just being in an unfamiliar territory, I was racked with feelings about my ever expanding, very curvy new body. Ah, being a woman.

 

Nonetheless, showtime was coming. I felt like a kid a lot of the time, just watching everyone’s process and digesting their personalities, learning from their energy and perfectionism. The make-up process was so interesting, and the comforting and amazing artist spray-painted an elaborate circled purple and white design on my belly, arms and face. I want that make-up done every day!

 

The costume and fabulous wig came together, and voila, I looked like a Lucent! How gorgeous!

 

And then came the show. You could feel the pulse of the crowd through the curtain, and as the fog started to roll around stage I was completely transported to a different realm. The musicians, dancers, and arialists I had been watching rehearse came even more alive, and all of a sudden I was in the most beautiful and interesting dream I had ever dreamt. Much like it feels to watch them! My bits felt great – Roger and I even acting out a “fake birth” that involved him pulling many random objects out of my skirt - a tin cup, a rubber duckie, some scarves, and ultimately a heart which was wonderfully symbolic for me. It was liberating to add some comedy to this gestation process!

 

And then, the ending. Ceci and Dream sing “Save Yourself,” and we all get to come out with signs and just BE, be up on stage and full of love and hope. My pink sign said “Be Love,” and I believed in it wholeheartedly. Standing up there at that moment gives me chills just to think about, it now ranks as one of the defining empowering moments of my life, while being completely vulnerable too. Some of Lucent’s genius lies in their simplicity, there we were.

 

And then, unexpectedly, Roger took my hand and led me to center stage. At first my heart balked at that much attention! But Jessalyn came over and took my hand and Roger knelt down to my belly and kissed it. Jesslyn whispered to me “Your baby is feeling so much love right now.” And it all came together. Tears were in my eyes, but it ceased to be about me anymore. Yes, this was my experience, but it’s really everyone’s, everyone up on stage and everyone in the audience and everyone who has ever had a baby and everyone who has been a baby, anyone who lives and loves, we all need the same things and we’re here for the same reasons. All these thoughts flooded me, and life was good and made sense. I needed to be touched by these magical souls to help on this life making journey, and they needed to be touched by me, too. My heart was given a chance to expand wider than I knew possible - there is always more room.

 

Thank you, Lucent Dossier, for manifesting with me a night that I knew was possible. A night where ancient ritual combines with ecstatic modern joy, and one mother knows she is on the right path.