The Second Best Time

Sometimes I don't exactly know where all this fire to do and accomplish comes from... I feel like I used to be very much like this in high school, but it's been a while since this trait was so dominant in my personality. It has become a bit overwhelming! I know that a big part of it is that I really want to start our family, but in realizing that I also want to do EVERYTHING as if I won't be able to do anything anymore as soon as I have a kid. And I think this is partly true! I mean... I probably won't get my yoga certification, be a professional fire dancer AND a spinning and sculpt teacher, at least for a couple of years, if I start a family now. But that doesn't mean it won't ever happen! It CAN happen later in life, and I have to keep reminding myself that I am not that old.

And while I am very proud of the things I am working to accomplish now, I also have begun to feel like life is just thing after thing with absolutely no time for reflection. It's almost like it's an addiction. I keep feeding it and feeding it, but I end up feeling scattered. I love my fire dancing, it's an absolute joy, especially when I get lost in the movement. I love working at the yoga studio, because I feel like I'm helping out my community and learning how to run a business. I love teaching sculpt, because I'm gaining confidence exponentially and standing on my own two feet as an instructor. I love taking yoga, it keeps me sane and involved in life, and I would love nothing more than to get my yoga certification. I love getting my CPR training and trying to get my cycle class together because, while all the things I named above are great, I'm not actually making money at any of them yet which is a good part of the reason I'm trying to do all this! And work! Well, that's a whole other big part of the pie, and I am actually busy there and feel like I'm growing, so it's not so bad either.

So it's all great... but whew! When do I get off the train? When was the last time I cooked dinner at home???

I was talking to Denise at Your Neighborhood Studio tonight, and she recommended that I reflect a bit and focus more. Like pick what I want to do. Which I have to agree with, seeing as I'm really spinning in circles. But it's so hard when you really enjoy it all! I mean, if I could I would give up the 9-5, but seeing as that makes the rest possible it's not so much of an option!

Where is all of this energy to accomplish coming from, though? It's a real question. Am I going through a normal 30 year old stage that will calm down? Is it still the weather, and will I relax when the summer winds start to blow? Will I just get pregnant eventually and put the dreams aside? And the best question of all - WHERE exactly were all these ambitions during the decade of my 20s when I actually had real time to accomplish them all????

Oh well. My boss has a quote on his desk:
The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is today.

More fire...

My husband is coming to my lighting up ceremony, so hopefully I'll be able to post video!

All Safety All the TIME!

So I'm dubbing this my safety week. On Sunday we have our first "lighting up ceremony" from the fire dancing class that I've been taking. So we had a fire safety class... or should I say a "scare you half to death that fire is going to eat your face!" class. I am a little scared. And a little excited at the same time! I know all of the guidelines and I feel very comfortable spinning, so I think I'll be ok and I'm thrilled to try something new. If I like it, I am going to be an incredible responsible fire dancer with all the proper gear (fire extinguisher, first aid kit, etc.), and if I don't, well I can just keep spinning with my light toys!

AND I decided to take a CPR certification course this week! On Saturday. I have always wanted to do it, and since I've been teaching the sculpt class and want to teach spinning too, I figured it's a good thing to have. I'm excited!

Trying to make it fun.

So I had a small epiphany today about... well, the dreaded work project. Let's call it Project X. It has still been giving me a terrible time, it basically panics me every time I think about it and makes my days tough. But today I was... well, even more wired than usual, I was doing a photo shoot and trying to get 50 more actors to come in AND dealing with trying to launch a part of Project X by Friday. So I was literally running around like a chicken with my head cut off. But this made me kind of silly, and so when I came up to people asking them for pieces of Project X, I was being really silly and saying things like "OH my gosh our favorite project! Can you even stop dreaming about it, it's so fabulous??? Do you tell your husband about it when you go home it's so great?"

And by the end of the day, a couple of co-workers were so amused that they said they couldn't wait to work on it more tomorrow with me!

And I guess I shouldn't have to do that, but it made everything so much more bearable! Lightened the whole feeling of it in my mind.

So I am going to keep trying to make it fun.
I'll keep you posted.
I know you JUST CAN'T WAIT!!!!! :-)

I choose you, Pikachu!

Work has been crazy busy... but fun! (minus the one awful project)
I am casting right now for a comic woman, I've already seen 50 women and another 50 this week. It's great to be supportive of female comedians, so I'm really enjoying it. In fact... I should tell some good audition stories here! I will... but not right now.

I just wanted to remember a few quick things from yoga last night, before my brain loses them!

First, Vanessa started off the class with the thought that "Of all the things the universe could create, it chose to create you." I liked that thought a lot... kind of in keeping with the quote that my blog was founded on, that we are all children of the universe. It's fascinating to me that I am not religious anymore, in fact, I really cringe at organized religion and the word God. But I do take great comfort in the idea that we are here for a reason, and maybe I am just substituting the word universe while most people us God. I am ok with that. I understand why people need that comfort, however it comes to them.

Also, she said at one point that "Pain is the breaking away of a shell." I'm probably not quoting her correctly, but it was something like that. It is in keeping with a book I'm reading right now, which basically says that if you're not growing, you're dying. Meaning that it's all well and good to keep taking the same yoga class day in and day out, but if you're not pushing your boundaries, stretching further than you did the day before into what might be slightly painful, then you are not breaking your shell and growing. I think it's a perfect metaphor for life.

ok, gotta run right now but hopefully I'll have some time for some good stories soon!

Keeping the Dream Alive.

Is it bad that I still have all my Christmas lights and Christmas cards still up? They're just so pretty!!!

Balloons of Stuff

Ever have those times where you literally feel like you're going to explode? And not just from stress... it's everything, it's stress, it's emotions, it's hormones, it's alive dreams and dead dreams, it's fears, it's hope, it's frustration, it's confusion, it's doubts, it's expansion, it's just EVERYTHING! Yes, I am feeling like that. Like a big, big balloon of STUFF. Like if you could just pop me, it would do me a lot of good.

And it's good to feel, and it's good because I'm alive and connected (too connected perhaps). But oh geesh! It's a crazy thing to feel.

So what can I say? What's been filling my brain? Maybe if I write it here it will help.

(*Disclaimer here - the next paragraphs are mostly for my release. Upon re-reading, you would really have to be masochistic to want to travel into these crevices of my brain. Save yourself the trouble.*)

Work is hard right now. And I say that in the best way, because I don't complain about work too much (other than the dull classic wasting your life syndrome). But usually it's really quite manageable. Sometimes not enough to keep me busy, sometimes a little too much. Sometimes projects I like, sometimes not so much. But I am "well kept," if that makes any sense. I don't live in fear that I will get sick, I have wonderful health insurance. I don't worry everyday that I will lose my job, I know they like me and I feel secure. I don't have to hide my personality or my style, I am accepte d for who I am and encouraged. I don't make a ton of money by any stretch of the imagination, but I also never want and I am honestly comfortable. So I think I have it good.

But sometimes it all just turns against you! As I suppose it needs to sometimes so you can remember what you DO like about it. I am working on one especially tedious and, in my estimation, really awful project. Not that it's that awful... but it is, to my mind, un-freaking-believably boring (not one thing about it interests me) BUT also not at all menial. It isn't filing, where you can lose yourself for a couple hours and feel accomplished afterwards. It involves thinking, thinking in an awful way for me (how can we get the most out of this company? how can we stay on top of them to sqeeze every dollar out of the relationship as is possible because we DID pay an exorbitant amount to them) and intense, intense organization and pushing. I compare it to pushing a very large rock straight uphill, because the fact of the matter is that NO ONE really likes doing anything for the project because they all know it sucks as much as I do. No one gets excited when I come looking for things related to it. And I don't either. Basically it's a suck fest.

And it doesn't take all my time, which in the end may be part of the problem. When I sit down at my desk, and I am generally busy like I have been this year (I've also organized and executed 8 photo shoots and one commercial since the 1st), I have a really hard time deciding to dedicate time to awful project A. So sometimes I don't. And, long story coming to short (I know, already, right??? See, even writing about it is so boring you want to shoot yourself in the head!), I have been slightly slacking and it was noticed. And I promptly grabbed back hold, and I think I have it on track now. But basically I hate failing. So it sucked. Just as bad as the project.

ANYWAY... onto hopefully slightly more interesting things. My husband is home. As you may have noticed by the lack of postings. It is, in my estimation, near to impossible to "journal" with someone else sitting in the room. So I may have to figure that out further, because I have really enjoyed the writing process. In fact, I am deflating as I type.

Having Rich home has been much more complicated than one word could possible sum up. All the people in the office asking me if I'm "soooooo happy!" now that he's home. You know what? I am happy. And sad. And confused... a whole bunch of emotions. I was really nervous to see him. I mean, 6 weeks all by myself as an adult, the first time in many years, I went through some serious changes. And he obviously went through some serious changes, having a college-like experience at the age of 30. But the second I saw him, all the nervousness was gone. He is just Rich, my friend, my husband, with a better tan! And it has been great to have human contact, but it's also been a change! We have been doing a bit of a dance, feeling each other out and figuring out how we relate again. And everything that was always great still is. He is so supportive and doting, he's a doll. But he's obviously suffered some disappointment, and he is reacclamating to an old life he didn't totally want to return to (job wise). So we're getting along, and we're learning to (well, maybe I'm just learning) let each other into our day to day lives and hearts again. And maybe this sounds awful to you, that it would be so hard after just so short a time being married. But I have to say F that. Marriage is hard, relationships are hard. And having someone leave for so long so early into a marriage was a risk, one that I am proud we took. And we are working together and communicating, and that is all that I believe is important.

So I guess I would say that those are the biggest pockets of air filling my balloon. Although all my side ambitions are filling it up here and there too. Babies and certifications and classes and goals and dreams I'm trying to make happen are all in there too. But I think, for tonight, I am just going to try and release.

Although I am proud of the goals I am trying to accomplish, I think I let them cloud my ability to enjoy minute to minute life. So that's all I'm going to concentrate on tonight. Life is good. Worry is not. Diffuse. Decompress. Disappear for a minute.

I can never sleep.

I have been a little too tense lately. I can't seem to sleep. MUST GO TO BED!

End of an Era

Maybe a tad dramatic...
We just found out that Rich did not get placed after umpire school. He did really well on all tests and physical evaluations, but in the end it seems it may have been just too competitive? I don't know. They placed 25 out of 130 students. He is pretty bummed. Understandably. I am too. We were looking at this as a possible life change. And we will roll with it, certainly, we'll be fine. But it's just not the best day in the world.

However the best day in the world WILL be when he comes home in 2 days! Yahooooo!!!

We'll figure the rest of it out later. :-)

ok

I am officially lonely and ready for my husband to get home.

As if you couldn't tell by the post below.

A manifesto on equanimity

So I'm reading "Yoga and the Quest for the True Self." It's a great book, although it's a slow read because it's packed with such intense information. I came today to a section called "Calm Abiding," and in it is says:
"...the Bhagavad Gita defines yoga as 'equanimity,' using the Sanskrit word samatva, which literally means 'sameness' or 'evenness.' This quality of evenness is essential to the practice because it creates an instument of knowing that is nonreactive. Yogic teaching says that we have to learn gradually to tolerate sensations and feelings in the physical body, and thoughts in the mind, without reacting to them by either holding or pushing away. "

This passage interested me intensely. First of all, I realized I didn't know the meaning of "equanimity!" I mean I get the idea here, but I had never really contemplated it a a word, though I have thought about the concept. Dictionary.com tells me that equanimity is "The quality of being calm and even-tempered; composure." Ok. I get that, although I fancy that I like to think of the evenness not only as being composed, but also evenness in terms of the people around us. Am I adding meaning? Oh well, if I am I am, I am going to think of it that way for right now. I can kind of infer it from the passage, and from my practice which reminds me that we are all the same, even, more than we are different. I find this concept really intriguing. I mean, our society right now places so much emphasis on individuality. What is your favorite color? What kind of music do you like? Are you a morning person or a night person? I know I take a lot of pride in the ways that I'm different, my free spirit and willingness to take chances and try new things being chief among them. But what about the ways that we're all the same? In the end, aren't we all just doing the best we can with the circumstances we're given, breathing in and out, living in our bodies and minds and hopefully discovering ourselves, relating and being able to love each other? I think this is a buddhist concept, although I need to bone up a little on my buddhist teachings. But right now, at this point in my life, I feel less of a NEED to prove the ways that I'm different. I know that I am. I am going to concentrate on the ways that I'm human, and how I can relate better to others.

Whew. Long side track. I have one more specific issue with the earlier reading from my book. And that is... I'm not really so sure I always agree with this idea of being so calm all the time!!! Again, I think this is another buddhist concept. You meditate, you reach stillness, and then you try and incorporate that into every aspect of your life. Then you're smooth like silk, all of your dealings can be neutral and positive, you don't let people rattle you, and then I guess the idea is that you can see more clearly, understand the universe more correctly, etc. My Dad (who is Buddhist by the way) tried to get me to be more like that, unsuccessfully most of the time. (I was a very dramatic teenager). My husband is also very much like this. Both by nature and from studying. He is able to be so damn calm about stuff. Like right now, he finds out Tuesday if he is going to be placed as an umpire or if he is just going to come home and work a normal job here, it's a very big day! And I am much more emotional about it than him! I mean, I try and be calm sometimes, and it sometimes works, but it definitely doesn't come naturally.

But I'm not sure it should! Ok... long story here that I won't try and get totally into, but I after I first moved to LA I had a brief stint in Scientology. I took a class there and debated it's merits, which were good by the way. The concepts made sense, etc. But what drew me away from it was the fact that it seemed to turn its believers into emotionless robots! I wonder if I would feel the same way about Buddhist monks if I met them? I do see the benefit of meditation, but if we were made human and given these emotions, I have a hard time believing we should completely supress them. Maybe I'm too attached. But the boldest memories that have shaped my life involve emotions that capture my heart. My Mom relating the death of her brother and my aunt, and the way it encompassed her self with sorrow. My sister's pain, almost from birth, about how the world works and she fits in it. I have also been able to find real encompassing joy, ecstatic joy, in dancing and frienships and humor and sex, etc. I want to hold onto these emotions. None of these highs and lows would I ever want to erase in my life for the trade off of complete equanimity.

Whew. I never knew I would have so much to say about a word that I just learned today. Feel free to share your thoughts on this word too!!!