the response...

to be expected, I guess...
we'll see...





i almost died, i did a shot so big i wanted my heart to stop. reading that email, i wish it had. im sorry i bothered you. i will walk to baltimore if i have to to prove to everyone that i can do it. if i dont make it, i WILL kill myself. i hate myself and my life and i am ready to die. my own family hates me. what is there to live for? and i did let mom help me. thats how i am going to the rehab in baltimore. this is my chance to change things around, but my family and friends hate me so much i think i would rather die than try anymore. im sorry i was such a fuck up. im sorry you had the burden of knowing me. please dont remember me as an addict, remember me as a sweet little kid. im sorry i let you down, im sorry i let the family down, i will leave everyone alone now. im sorry and i do love you. i know i dont know how to show it right, but i love you. you and rusty are my heroes and you are in my thoughts every day. i wish i could have been more like you.


im sorry i bothered you. remember me....


i really do love you, kimmy.

Good morning, sister.

I woke up today and got this message from my sister:

kim, i need to ask you a huge favor... im in aiken, south carolina trying to get up to baltimore for rehab. and i already have the bus ticket from charleston to baltimore, but i have to get from aiken to charleston and the only way i can do that from where i am right now is to sell my body for money. is there any way i could borrow just a small amount of money just to get me home and fed? im trying to turn my life around but no one will help me and give me any more chances. ive burned every bridge. please please help me kim. im begging as your little sister with no one else to turn to. i love you.

I don't really know what to do about it (surprise, surprise).


I wrote this, but haven't sent it.

Abbie,
You do not love me, at least you don't show that you love me. You have contacted me twice in 3 years, both times to ask for money. From what I understand, you have been given a bunch of chances, in fact, you were welcome to stay in rehab just a little while ago and you left voluntarily. My Dad gave you a basically free apartment, where you did thousands of dollars of damage and then forced him to clean it up on Christmas. Your mother has driven to see you to help you, and you didn't let her. Therefore, you have hurt people that I love a lot.

I don't really know what to tell you. Do I want you to sell your body? No. Do I understand how you've gotten to a place where you can't get a job at a pizza parlor instead? No.

Yes, I could send you money. But what do I think will happen? You will take it. You will not write me back or thank me. If you do thank me, it will sound really false. You might make it up to Baltimore, you might just score some drugs. If you do make it up and get into this rehab where eventually they could completely take care of you and put you in a halfway house, but instead you will quit the rehab before it's over. Then no one will hear from you for a while, or you will hurt someone new.

Knowing this, what's a sister to do?

On the precipice... and kinda losing my mind...

Wowsa! My being has been in a pretty crazy place lately!

I am attempting to calm and get into some rational/inspired thinking. I'm getting there.

Here are my (lame) excuses for losing my shit:
1. Rich came back after 2 months and there's adjustment
2. I joined, then quit, a fire dancing group
3. I am leaving on Monday for Burning Man with 3 virgins, 2 of whom are my aunt and uncle,
which leads to
4. My house looks like a tornado
5. I know too much about Burning Man to not stress about Burning Man!!!!!!

All that being said, I went to yoga last night, I breathed, and I did the best headstand into bakasana into headstand that I've ever done (actually I've never even done it before).

Which leads me to believe that if I could just more effectively channel this crazy energy, that might just be the ticket.

So tonight I am organizing, cleaning, thinking, stretching, and trying not to stress.

By the way, thanks to my friend Charlotte, my costumes this year are my best by FAR, thanks to MP we are more organized than I've been for the burn, and I am truly very excited! Plus, I will be spinning fire for the first time, at the fire spinning mecca of the universe! All is good.

The girl fire group thing has really thrown me, truth be told. I know deep down that I felt, number one, that I was really good at it and that I should be performing/making money with it, and number two, that these ladies were smart and experienced and would lead me in a good direction. There were a number of things that threw me. One was the photo shoot, where using tools I wasn't used to, I burned myself and started contemplating the severity of it. Two (I just realized how many things in this post I've been numbering. I must really need to be putting things in ORDER!!! Anyway...), the latin/kinda gothy vibe is not totally me and I felt a little false. Weird for an actress? Three, it was just taking TOO MUCH TIME! I mean, I have really liked one night a week of learning fire, and a couple more practicing or playing with my toys in group settings. But putting all this energy into our website, and routine, and music, and costumes and bookings and all of it was really overwhelming and not in a good way. So finally, in the middle of Burning Man prep, I just lost it and called the girl and told her everything that was on my mind and quit. And she was lovely, but in the end I know that I screwed them and I hate letting people down.

But if I'm not sane, what is any of it worth??????????????????
So, I am working on my sanity above all. Second (can't stop numbering now!), enjoying life and my husband and being able to be quiet.
Breathe girl!!!