Knocking on Heaven's Door

I don't know if this is awful or sacriligeous or eerie or what, but I mean it as a tribute. I am playing Bob Marley's version of "Knocking On Heaven's Door." I'm so sorry it was such a short stay for you, Marley, and I hope heaven is working out for you.

Inbox of Death

No, I really mean it.
In the last 10 minutes I have gotten two emails of death in my inbox. How strange and surreal. What a crazy world we live in.

The first was from my father, a dear friend of his that passed. They were high school buddies, lifelong buddies, sportsmen buddies... Butch Maguire. Though I don't know him that well, the name is so familiar from my Dad's lips that it feels like family. It is so scary when my parent's friends pass away from normal circumstances, it can't be that close can it? I feel for my Dad, I feel for older people who have to endure so much death to people close to them. It just sucks.

And then... oh God. I mean, I know it seems a little silly that I would feel this strongly about someone I don't know that well... but I just felt a kindred spirit. My hairdresser, Silvia, who I've been to twice and was enormously pregnant promised to send an email picture when the baby was born. The title of the email was "Thank You," with no attachment, and the first thing I thought was damn, no pictures yet of baby Marley (she had named him or her that). But then I opened it. She was thanking everyone for their well wishes, but letting us know it was not time for Marley. He came and went, and she called him her "lil angel" now. Oh god. I really can't stop the tears. Silvia is such an amazing spirit, a little thing with tons of tattoos and crazy hair and piercings, and I just adored the story of her and this baby. It was an unexpected pregnancy, but she just ran with it. She and her boyfriend had a tough time of it, when I first went to her she had just moved out. But she was so positive about it, and loving being pregnant and nesting and going to yoga and just loving life. When I just went to her a couple weeks ago they were back together, though not living together. She was so incredibly excited about Marley. She was financially set for a couple of months, and I was so impressed with how calm she was. She talked about not being able to wait to just stare down at his little eyes and see his or her face.

These life lessons. You know, I've been struggling with whether or not this is the time to have a baby. But after seeing how hard it is for so many friends to get pregnant at all, and the loss that Silvia has gone through... and knowing that deep in my bones I absolutely need to be a mother in this life, I think that I need to stop worrying about whether or not this is the time, and just worry that the universe can even provide me with this request. Or better yet, not worry at all! I pray, I hope... and I am going to start letting the universe work naturally if it is meant to be.

the freedom hangs in the balance

In yoga tonight I was reminded of a couple of things. At one point in a hairy half moon, our amazing translucent instructor Vanessa said "I was reminded that the amount of freedom in our lives is directly proportionate to the amount we can let go." I liked this. Meaning, if we want to find freedom in this crazy pose, we also have to not be afraid to let go. Let go to the point of falling, if need be, in order to find the pose. Although, I think in life this is true but also needs to be tempered. Take my family, for the most part. I mean, my brother, my sisters... they're really darn good at "letting go." I mean, nothing bothers them. They can destroy their bodies with substances, all in the name of "letting go" and "finding freedom." So although I see the value in finding this freedom... where are we if have no ground to support us when we fall? So, to get another yoga lesson, there is also balance. Freedom is only good as there is structure to hold us. I could not be finding my body to release and learn these lessons if I did not actually come to yoga instead of sitting in front of the tv.

I'm not sure if any of this is making sense. It's been a long day. And I am starting to really miss my hubby. The break has allowed me a lot of time to devote to experiences I might not if he were not here, like blogging! And more yoga than usual, and fire spinning. And I've been re-learning stuff, like how much I can handle myself. When he is here, I tend to rely on him a lot for silly things like going to the store, etc. And it's all not that hard to do by myself.

I guess I hope I can hold onto these lessons when he gets back. I've got about 2 weeks left. But I also find myself getting a little brittle, hard, and I long for his arms to hold me for about 2 days straight and thaw me out.

A crises of the empathetic variety...

Ugh. Monday morning at work... never really a good time to be alive, but today is especially hard. Today I am casting for a photo shoot. I usually love casting, something I get to do fairly often for all of our commercials, photo shoots, etc. I love finding the perfect person, which can be hard, especially condidering we cast non-union and don't pay a lot, so I feel like I'm finding undiscovered talent that will soon know better and be out of our league! Sometimes, however, it really gets to me. Like today. Trying to find the perfect slightly older dentist... like late 40s or 50s, salt and pepper hair, nice smile, trusting face. The problem is that with older people, they usually don't look as good. If they're not union and working all the time, there is usually somthing wrong. Like their teeth are bad, skin bad, or they're just batshit crazy and you can tell. With young Hollywood peeps, I don't feel as bad making them come in, because they're young and dumb and will figure out soon enough whether this acting thing is going to work out or not. But these older people are tough. I just had a guy come in, really talented, wonderful British accent, does a lot of Shakespeare festivals and such... but his smile was just not good. He looked like an uncomfortable chipmunk. And I don't like analyzing how bad he was, and saying thank you to him, knowing that he got his hopes up and came all the way out here and he's really sweet.

Anyway, it can be a tough job. Especially considering I don't know how I'm going to find the guy I need!

I think, also part of my problem is that it's Monday morning. After a lovely weekend of tons of yoga classes and encouragement and joy, it's hard to not be empathetic. I mean, in yoga, everyone goes and their own level and is successful doing as much as they can. Health and success is the goal, and everyone achieves it in their own way just by stepping onto the mat. It is so vastly different from coordinating all these actors to come in, getting their hopes up, dragging them in even if I probably know they're not exactly right, and then breaking them down and finding their bad points. I feel ugly about it.

Ok, gotta go put on a tough face and drop some of this empathy! I do feel that this emotion, which I hold close to me, is a double edged sword. While I love that I can read people and therefore help them in the best scenario, I also get bogged down in my own humanity by always knowing the feelings of others. I talked to my yoga studio instuctor, Denise, about this once. It's not something you can change, so the best you can do is try to keep your own self and your feelings sacred, you can feel what other people are feeling but not have it affect you. I remember feeling it from a very young age. Knowing so well how my sister felt about things and the unfairness of life. Lying in bed at night and listening to the adults talk downstairs and knowing, just from the tone of their voices, how they were feeling.

Ok I've gotta get out of this reverie state and get to work!

Enjoy the Process

So I just turned out all the lights in my house, turned on some Sector 9 and started spinning and playing with the glowing LED orbs that I got to spin with (no I am not on drugs, perfectly sober thank you very much). I had the feeling just like when I started hooping, just a glorious thrill that I could groove and spin and dance all night, even though I only know like 3 moves! Maybe when I get so upset at myself for not knowing everything there is to know (why can't I fire spin already? it's going to take 9 months! why am I not already teaching yoga? etc. etc.), I should remember that I love learning these things. ENJOY THE PROCESS already. Geesh.

Spirit Dancing

So it's raining like crazy today. Like POURING when I leave the office after a fairly stressful afternoon. Got home at 6:15 a little irritated, and yoga is at 6:30... could stay at home or could just barely make it... these are always the best times to go and I'm so glad that I did! For some reason, from the moment I stepped into Your Neighborhood Studio I couldn't even keep the grin off my face! I do so love being around wonderful people and moving my body. Anyway, class was wonderful with sub Jay Co., whose Sat class I adore, and I felt great. At the end of it, as we were starting savasana after only an hour (I usually do an hour and a half class but Wed nights are shorter), I thought I would fail miserably. Yes, although I do realize that failing miserably at a pose that is named corpse pose because you literally have to do NOTHING like you are dead may seem strange, but the idea is to quiet your mind and I knew I was still really awake and alive. So I laid there for a minute, trying to think of nothing but instead returning mentally to last night's fire spinning class (more on that in a min!). So I'm twirling in my mind while laying there... but wouldn't you know it, I start feeling really crazily intense inside, like my spirit is just lifting out of my body. Seriously. I mean, I know it's very meditation guru granola-y, but I really felt like I was lifting out and my body remained. I've only experienced this one time before at the end of a yoga class about 4 years ago, but never gotten back. And that time too, I realized that my spirit self was totally dancing. Like ballet-y, incredibly expressive dancing (specifically pas de chats for any dance geeks out there). It is really an amazing experience. For whatever reason, I feel like I know officially that my spirit is a dancer. I need a stamp or something.

So... I guess obviously you can tell that I also enjoyed my first fire spinning class last night. It was awesome. We don't spin real fire until our 12th class, just these sandbag things on strings. I didn't know how I'd take to it, because I had tried before at BurningMan with other people teaching me and I didn't get it. But the girls of Fire Groove were great and I picked it up right away and was jamming out!!! I can't wait to learn more and more and make it into my own unique... well... spirit dance.

I wonder...

It has been a lovely weekend so far. I suppose I am somewhat of a weekend warrior, getting thru just to feel alive outside of the work week. I do the best I can. I went to an amazing full moon event on the beach tonight. Such unbelievable fire dancers and free spirits. Makes me feel so alive and full. Played some guitar today and danced for 3 hours. These are certainly days I live for. And one more to go... thank you go Martin Luther King. And not just because I get a holiday, as some ignorant person said today. Thank you to him for being such a courageous soul, period.

Anyway, late nights by myself always get me thinking. At the heart of me I know I'm a sad soul, no matter what the optimist day will tell you. I think of my sisters and how fucked up they are, worry about them, I think of the suffering of humanity, I feed the demons that live inside me... how can you not sometimes? After all, this is life and why should we shield ourselves with fancy things to keep out realities? Who can really keep up the folly of sunshine all the time?

I can't, but you might think I could.

Salesman's Daughter

Whew. I was being a bit harsh on myself yesterday. I went home and got the house all cozy last night, at some dinner, fought with Rich on the phone (oops!) and eventually felt a little better. One thing I have been doing well lately is with my diet. Without Rich here I find it a bit easier. I don't really do too much meat (in fact I haven't eaten meat yet this year!) and ever since the cleanse I haven't had any sweets either. We'll see how long I can keep it up!

I watched the movie "Coal Miner's Daughter" last night. Wow. My friends Jeff & Lacey recommended it, and I am so glad they did. It was just incredible! Sissy Spacek won an Academy Award for her portrayal of Loretta Lynn, and she was unreal. One of the best performances I've ever seen. She sang all of her own stuff! And Tommy Lee Jones as her husband was amazing too. I loved the bit of role reversal going on with their relationship, he had to take a backseat to his wife's fame and I found that really interesting. I highly recommend this movie, rent it right away!

Ok, I am off to slave through another work day. At least Monday is MLK day. Woo hoo for 3 day weekends!

Resolutions? Reservations? Reinvention? Reincarnation?

So lately I've been feeling very inspired and revved up, but with little outcome and much frustration. There is just SO much going on in this head of mine! It is somewhat a normal yearly cycle to me. The winter I start hibernating and being always amazed by it, wondering what is wrong with me? Then the introspection takes the form of goal setting... which then kinda goes somewhere and kinda doesn't until it's spring and I start really enjoying myself and life again, then summer when I really kick into a mode of pure living and enjoyment, and the goals sometimes get left by the wayside. And I have trouble deciphering if I'm too hard on myself with these goals (I mean, I already do work a full time job, excercise most every day, work part time at a yoga studio and planned and executed a wedding last year)... but mostly I think I lack follow through and am stuck in some kind of fear. My goals this year mainly revolve around wanting to be teaching excercise (yoga, spinning, sculpt) rather than participating. I feel like I have a real passion that I desperately want to share with people, and I've taken steps and gotten certifications, etc., but then I get stilted. Add on to that that I'd really love to become a mother this year, and then I get into complete fear mode! How can I do it all? Or is that some sort of 80s woman cliche, and my summer mentality of just enjoying life as it comes is more correct? Anyway, I guess I've decided to write a bit. Maybe it will help. I've been really inspired by some bloggers out there, namely http://bohemiangirldesigns.blogspot.com/ and http://www.sarcomical.com/, and I realized that they are just writing out there and I am loving reading it! My husband (we got married in August) is away for 6 weeks. You ready for where? He's at Major League Baseball Umpire Training Camp. How's that for unique? He is doing great, and for the most part, so have I. I started the year with the goals of really getting into yoga practice, and I also did the Master Cleanse, which is incidentally how I found those other bloggers. They helped me a bit with the day to day of the cleanse, which was an extremely interesting process. I honestly felt amazing, especially after the first 3 days. I set that goal and attained it. So I suppose I am maybe pushing myself a little too hard, with no one (namely my husband) home to comfort me for a few hours a night and let me know that I'm being too hard on myself. Because lately all I see is panic, panic that I'm not reaching these goals which are not even that clearly defined, these goals that are somehow magically going to assure me that I am in fact going to be ready to have a child this year, all my ducks are in a row, somehow I won't have to work full time I can just teach exercise part time and we will live on my husband's brand new salary (which is not going to be much, but we're not really consumers too much anyway). But the fact is we probably really won't have enough money, and everything is really not going to be easy, and probably never will be again until the kid is way older. But I want a child more than anything, and I think the older I get the more scared I get at the same time, and I can't let that keep me from doing it! I have had an amazing time, I didn't get married too young, I've been wild and free and loose and wonderful, and now I am ready to create a family. I know that deep down. Even as I write it I feel my shoulders loosen a little. And yoga will always be there, and teaching will always be there, and I will figure it out as it happens. If I have gotten by thus far in life, I know I will keep going and life will keep providing and being magical. I am, after all, a child of the universe.