I wonder

I wonder, on a daily basis and across the world (not just here in my little corner of easy Los Angeles) and on a given minute, how many people would say that they are unsatisfied with their lives. ALL across the world. I wonder sometimes if we are being bred more and more to BE unsatisfied with our lives. I bet if you asked my great-grandmother if she was unsatisfied with her life, she probably would say that she doesn’t give that much thought, she just LIVES her life day to day and tries to get through. And while I feel privileged to be able to examine my life and not just “get through,” I also wonder if there really IS anything but getting through, because then you are really living in the moment. I mean, we are living, we are doing, and what else is there but that?

I am wondering a lot.

I feel unsatisfied, not with a lot of aspects of my life, but I do feel unsatisfied day by day. Mostly with the knowledge of how much there is to DO/SEE/FEEL/BE in the world while I sit at my desk.

I do try to keep it interesting. This past Saturday I joined up with a group of 300 people dressed like Santa Claus in a sort of human art experiment and terrorized/humanized the city with our antics. I regularly spin fire in patterns around myself in an effort to express the beauty that lives in my body and mind. I have read 6 books in the last month. I teach a class every week. I am not afraid to be in a yoga class and test my body and mind for hours at a time. I married someone for love and not security. I am not afraid to get into a conversation with you. I learned imovie this past month and created something. I will scream, jump for joy, or sit quietly at any given moment. I am working on welcoming discord and disagreements for the pursuit of truth.

Maybe the point is that, when I am fully engaged in activities where I am using my abilities and creating, I feel satisfied. I just need to engage those sides of myself more and more often. I need to confront my fears and realize that, when I am being safe and not testing myself, I feel like I’m dying inside. Create. Create. Create.

And I know I’m trying. It’s just that I also think that I work with a security blanket. Not that it’s wrong to have a stable job and have some money, but I think it is wrong when that prevents you from finding your destiny in the universe and testing yourself. I don’t take all the chances that I should because they don’t always fit my day to day, and I want to break out of the box. I want to get rid of the fear that exists when I think of breaking out on my own. Throw it away. Live for what makes me tick, and believe that the universe will reward me for it. Or, at very least, pursue more within my confines, testing and learning and pushing myself.

This whole entry probably makes no sense for a reader. I guess I’m just blogging for myself right now… but I am interested in how other people feel about filling up their lives with satisfaction, and how they do it!