What to say when there's so much to say???

I have been in an utter whirlwind of life and joy and happiness, it’s been so alive and real that I haven’t been able to dream of just sitting at a computer and writing or organizing pictures. There’s just been so much life to be living, and when that feeling is around, why waste it, right?

Rich came back after months away, and we were slightly rough for a week. And then came BurningMan, which was everything it was supposed to be – completely crazy, eye opening, so incredibly hard, so incredibly rewarding, so primal, so refreshing… and I’m sure there will be more stories to come from it all, but I’m really still just digesting! And since then, since our one pretty powerful fight just before the Man burned… well, life and our relationship has been just amazing. We got something together out there, and we brought it back and we can’t stop talking and marveling at it all. What an amazing experience to have shared with someone you love. I have gone to BurningMan so many times (ok, 3 times) on my own, and I didn’t know if I COULD share it. And the sharing of it was really unexpected, I couldn’t have predicted how he handled everything, but in the end, he handled it the best way he knew how, and so did I, and we came out together so much stronger than before! He is my ultimate playa partner, and I’m so thrilled that we have each other.

Afterwards, he said that the whole experience made him understand me so much more.

We are truly so engrossed in every aspect of life right now, not at all disengaged. We went to the beach yesterday, biked down there, and talked and laughed, jumped in the ocean and got pummeled, and talked about spiders and life and politics and music and people and food and nature… just everything.

I feel like BurningMan was the absolute best one year anniversary present we could have given each other.

I know I’ll get to organizing pictures, and writing, and facebooking and all the other stuff… but know that in the meantime, I am sharing wonderful moments with the man I am more deeply in love with… with whom I didn’t know I could be more deeply in love with…

the response...

to be expected, I guess...
we'll see...





i almost died, i did a shot so big i wanted my heart to stop. reading that email, i wish it had. im sorry i bothered you. i will walk to baltimore if i have to to prove to everyone that i can do it. if i dont make it, i WILL kill myself. i hate myself and my life and i am ready to die. my own family hates me. what is there to live for? and i did let mom help me. thats how i am going to the rehab in baltimore. this is my chance to change things around, but my family and friends hate me so much i think i would rather die than try anymore. im sorry i was such a fuck up. im sorry you had the burden of knowing me. please dont remember me as an addict, remember me as a sweet little kid. im sorry i let you down, im sorry i let the family down, i will leave everyone alone now. im sorry and i do love you. i know i dont know how to show it right, but i love you. you and rusty are my heroes and you are in my thoughts every day. i wish i could have been more like you.


im sorry i bothered you. remember me....


i really do love you, kimmy.

Good morning, sister.

I woke up today and got this message from my sister:

kim, i need to ask you a huge favor... im in aiken, south carolina trying to get up to baltimore for rehab. and i already have the bus ticket from charleston to baltimore, but i have to get from aiken to charleston and the only way i can do that from where i am right now is to sell my body for money. is there any way i could borrow just a small amount of money just to get me home and fed? im trying to turn my life around but no one will help me and give me any more chances. ive burned every bridge. please please help me kim. im begging as your little sister with no one else to turn to. i love you.

I don't really know what to do about it (surprise, surprise).


I wrote this, but haven't sent it.

Abbie,
You do not love me, at least you don't show that you love me. You have contacted me twice in 3 years, both times to ask for money. From what I understand, you have been given a bunch of chances, in fact, you were welcome to stay in rehab just a little while ago and you left voluntarily. My Dad gave you a basically free apartment, where you did thousands of dollars of damage and then forced him to clean it up on Christmas. Your mother has driven to see you to help you, and you didn't let her. Therefore, you have hurt people that I love a lot.

I don't really know what to tell you. Do I want you to sell your body? No. Do I understand how you've gotten to a place where you can't get a job at a pizza parlor instead? No.

Yes, I could send you money. But what do I think will happen? You will take it. You will not write me back or thank me. If you do thank me, it will sound really false. You might make it up to Baltimore, you might just score some drugs. If you do make it up and get into this rehab where eventually they could completely take care of you and put you in a halfway house, but instead you will quit the rehab before it's over. Then no one will hear from you for a while, or you will hurt someone new.

Knowing this, what's a sister to do?

On the precipice... and kinda losing my mind...

Wowsa! My being has been in a pretty crazy place lately!

I am attempting to calm and get into some rational/inspired thinking. I'm getting there.

Here are my (lame) excuses for losing my shit:
1. Rich came back after 2 months and there's adjustment
2. I joined, then quit, a fire dancing group
3. I am leaving on Monday for Burning Man with 3 virgins, 2 of whom are my aunt and uncle,
which leads to
4. My house looks like a tornado
5. I know too much about Burning Man to not stress about Burning Man!!!!!!

All that being said, I went to yoga last night, I breathed, and I did the best headstand into bakasana into headstand that I've ever done (actually I've never even done it before).

Which leads me to believe that if I could just more effectively channel this crazy energy, that might just be the ticket.

So tonight I am organizing, cleaning, thinking, stretching, and trying not to stress.

By the way, thanks to my friend Charlotte, my costumes this year are my best by FAR, thanks to MP we are more organized than I've been for the burn, and I am truly very excited! Plus, I will be spinning fire for the first time, at the fire spinning mecca of the universe! All is good.

The girl fire group thing has really thrown me, truth be told. I know deep down that I felt, number one, that I was really good at it and that I should be performing/making money with it, and number two, that these ladies were smart and experienced and would lead me in a good direction. There were a number of things that threw me. One was the photo shoot, where using tools I wasn't used to, I burned myself and started contemplating the severity of it. Two (I just realized how many things in this post I've been numbering. I must really need to be putting things in ORDER!!! Anyway...), the latin/kinda gothy vibe is not totally me and I felt a little false. Weird for an actress? Three, it was just taking TOO MUCH TIME! I mean, I have really liked one night a week of learning fire, and a couple more practicing or playing with my toys in group settings. But putting all this energy into our website, and routine, and music, and costumes and bookings and all of it was really overwhelming and not in a good way. So finally, in the middle of Burning Man prep, I just lost it and called the girl and told her everything that was on my mind and quit. And she was lovely, but in the end I know that I screwed them and I hate letting people down.

But if I'm not sane, what is any of it worth??????????????????
So, I am working on my sanity above all. Second (can't stop numbering now!), enjoying life and my husband and being able to be quiet.
Breathe girl!!!

Just when I thought I was blasphemous...

George Carlin
From a diatribe on Advertising and Bullshit:

...But in the Bullshit Department, the businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. 'Cause I gotta tell ya the truth, folks, when it comes to Bullshit, big time, major league BULLSHIT, you have to stand in awe, in awe, of the all time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: RELIGION! .... No contest, no contest!!
(thunderous applause)


Life is sacred? Who said so, God? Hey, if you read history you'll realize that God is one of the leading causes of death...has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, all taking turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea.


Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckn' empty little heads off.


I've begun worshipping the Sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the Sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to God are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate.



The World is divided into armed camps ready to commit genocide just because we can't agree on whose fairy tales to believe.
In the end, Religion will kill us all.
-- Ed Krebs


Frank Zappa
Children are naive -- they trust everyone. School is bad enough, but, if you put a child anywhere in the vicinity of a church, you're asking for trouble.


If you wind up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest or some guy on TV telling you how to do your shit, then YOU DESERVE IT.


The essence of Christianity is told us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the tree of knowledge. The subtext is, All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just keep your fucking mouth shut and hadn't asked any questions.


Scientology, how about that? You hold on to the tin cans and then this guy asks you a bunch of questions, and if you pay enough money you get to join the master race. How's that for a religion?


The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country.
-- Rev. Jerry Falwell

Written when I woke up this morning...

I dreamed last night of acting. Not even of real acting, feet planted on the hard wood, eyes caked with make up and false lashes blinking from the hot lights… but just of the act of acting. Picking up a beautiful small Samuel French paperback. A yellow one. One in which lived a person I wanted to be. And as I opened it, my lips wrapped around some words, tongue tripping on consonants, my curious brow unfurrowed so to open myself to the possibility of another person with another brow to jump from the text into my blood. My heart raced with the delicacy of choice verbs and nouns, of characters whom I understood deeply though they have a separate vocabulary. I breathed it.

And though it was just a dream, it made me think that passions of any kind are nothing but sleeping (or awake) lovers. My heart has never lacked passions. If there is one thing there has always been an abundance of, it is passions. Passions for activities, passions for people, for the powers of those acitivities, for quiet and nature and loud and wild and unabandonment, but there is simply not enough time in the day to entertain all of my passions on a regular basis. But I realize that they don’t necessarily die. Acting still lives in my veins, and is an extremely domineering lover. I miss it, but I fear if I were to give over to it, I would be lost. I mean, where are my loyalties anymore? Acting may be my oldest lover, truth be told, but she is a broke and fickle lover, never providing me with the future always promised. I have other passions that trump her… but still she goes on sleeping in my heart…

Lyrics?

We said we'd do it just one more time

We may have said that before

But we stared at the sunlight stream on the ground

And we guessed we needed one more

Well the grass was gold and the sky was bright

Still 8 hours for the looming night

And your brown dog eyes called for love

We'd have to give it to you

Let's breathe here

We'll sing here

Mountains made of strings

It's Mexico here

Hot and low here

Crystals in the trees

And when the squares turned round and the words turned goo

Your rainbow wrinkles pulled me through

The path got messy, but the world was live

The grass turned blue, JFK survived

And that old sunlight stream on the ground

Reached over and kissed my hair

Let's haunt here

We'll play here

Skirts made long with jeans

It's Mexico here

Softly flow here

Silly putty on my knees

The squares were round and the words were goo

But your rainbow wrinkles pulled me through