Burning Man reminiscing...

So, apparently this year I've had a hard time putting into words what Burning Man means to me. It was my fourth year, and, by far, my least dramatic (in a good way!). It's a trying place, but I know what I'm getting myself into, and this time I was well equipped with wonderful family (emotional support) and a wonderful husband. Not that bringing three "virgins" to the desert didn't require it's own set of issues, but I felt much safer this time around that we were all clear headed enough to get ourselves safely there and safely back. More than that, I found that my experience allowed me to slip rather easily into my Burning Man person... the language was at my dirty fingertips, and it felt unbelievably invigorating to my soul to be around all that amazing energy. Truth be told, I've been vibing off of that energy in different ways for months now still!

I actually wrote about 3 pages of stuff on the RV trip home, and then in a twist of fate, I put the pages in my camelback, then went hiking about a week later, the camelback got wet, and the pages became a beautiful piece of stained ink art work instead. I really enjoyed that hike, so I guess it was meant to be.

Then, recently, I opened an old notebook and found my gibberish scribblings from my first year there! I figure a lot of my feelings towards the event are exactly the same, so here they are... the random, overwhelming, sometimes cliche scribblings of a twenty something having her mind exploded:

"so much to see! so much to see!

have my eyes ever been this wide?

all the creativity from every soul,

how the world is meant to be.

a gathering of freaks

yet not a demon in the bunch.

wise eyes

open eyes

free eyes

scared eyes

compassionate eyes

demonstrative eyes

and the beats go on and on

this world never sleeps

there's just too much to see

lovely to see people working together

pushing boundaries

smiling

bonding together in strange conditions

willing to be at peace with each other

for no real reason

but that the soul needs to be at peace

and oh! the art and the cars and the bikes and the nipples and the yoga and the furry and the monkeys and the carrots and it goes on and on

MY EYES CAN'T CATCH THEIR BREATH

what expression

what beauty we allow here

and we're all a little awkward and over-stimulated

the porta potties and the dust on the bikes and the body and every little thing you could imagine

the ups and the downs and the hearts and the buses with the people on top, staring down and waving

and it is all about feeling good, and whatever you need, if I can help you get it, I will

does "civilization" really exist? is there anywhere to be but here?

I think no.

i am having no revelations about my personal life because it is so far from here.

overwhelming.

here it is so easy to support the wonderful talent and the expression, the unique abilities

the band with the sitar and the opera singer and the violinist just there at noon to make you happy

playing catch with a frisbee and a stranger, acceptable and encouraged

and what has happened to my nose?? it is not good.

it's just all so much! i must try to be calm to take it in."

The luckiest cell

One of my favorite things that Vanessa, a yoga teacher of mine, says is "You are here because you CAN be here." Upon first listen, I was underwhelmed. Of course I can be here. Obviously. I'm here. And I'm uncomfortable in this position, and this pithy statement of yours is doing nothing to ease my discomfort OR shed enlightenment leading to some new understanding of my discomfort. But she stuck with it. Class after class. And I think it's becoming one of my new favorite statements.

Because the truth of it is that we CAN be here... in yoga... in life... and we are lucky for it. Whatever formation of cells came into being became us, the luckiest cell(s), and now we have evolved to a level of consciousness that is physical, mental, spiritual, with possibilities of enlightenment, happiness, sorrow, and suffering. But we get to experience this. And what is the ratio in which we would be the cell lucky enough to get here? Or, in a simpler (and perhaps more of a reasonable explanation in these circumstances) way, our bodies have afforded us movement which is beautiful and our minds have cultivated ways to stimulate itself. In the best way possible, we CAN be in class because we are terribly, terribly lucky. 

It just translates to life so wonderfully. I was folding laundry today, not exactly loving it, and I reminded myself that I am folding laundry because I CAN, because not only do I have the physical agility to help myself and others, but I also can afford lovely clothes which I CAN buy, wear, and wash. We are not all so lucky. 

I hope that throughout my life I am able to remind myself of this in times of duress. May not be easy... but at least I have this here blog to remind me. :-)

I have certainly been lacking in posting lately. In thinking about it, I have been so deliciously wrapped up in life that I've barely had time to bear witness. Which is not to say that I've lacked a 3rd eye, or a consciousness, but I have been living very in the moment and the act of taking pictures or writing words about moments tends to take away from them for me. I may be entering a period of circumspection... we'll see.

Burning Man really did do a excellent number on me. The vitality that it has afforded has seemed open-ended. As if my brain was rewired to have untapped child-like energy. Tonight I fell asleep on the couch at 8 pm... so it might finally be running out... but I hope not. LA's two season weather is finally starting to turn, and I turn to see introspection on the horizon...

What to say when there's so much to say???

I have been in an utter whirlwind of life and joy and happiness, it’s been so alive and real that I haven’t been able to dream of just sitting at a computer and writing or organizing pictures. There’s just been so much life to be living, and when that feeling is around, why waste it, right?

Rich came back after months away, and we were slightly rough for a week. And then came BurningMan, which was everything it was supposed to be – completely crazy, eye opening, so incredibly hard, so incredibly rewarding, so primal, so refreshing… and I’m sure there will be more stories to come from it all, but I’m really still just digesting! And since then, since our one pretty powerful fight just before the Man burned… well, life and our relationship has been just amazing. We got something together out there, and we brought it back and we can’t stop talking and marveling at it all. What an amazing experience to have shared with someone you love. I have gone to BurningMan so many times (ok, 3 times) on my own, and I didn’t know if I COULD share it. And the sharing of it was really unexpected, I couldn’t have predicted how he handled everything, but in the end, he handled it the best way he knew how, and so did I, and we came out together so much stronger than before! He is my ultimate playa partner, and I’m so thrilled that we have each other.

Afterwards, he said that the whole experience made him understand me so much more.

We are truly so engrossed in every aspect of life right now, not at all disengaged. We went to the beach yesterday, biked down there, and talked and laughed, jumped in the ocean and got pummeled, and talked about spiders and life and politics and music and people and food and nature… just everything.

I feel like BurningMan was the absolute best one year anniversary present we could have given each other.

I know I’ll get to organizing pictures, and writing, and facebooking and all the other stuff… but know that in the meantime, I am sharing wonderful moments with the man I am more deeply in love with… with whom I didn’t know I could be more deeply in love with…

the response...

to be expected, I guess...
we'll see...





i almost died, i did a shot so big i wanted my heart to stop. reading that email, i wish it had. im sorry i bothered you. i will walk to baltimore if i have to to prove to everyone that i can do it. if i dont make it, i WILL kill myself. i hate myself and my life and i am ready to die. my own family hates me. what is there to live for? and i did let mom help me. thats how i am going to the rehab in baltimore. this is my chance to change things around, but my family and friends hate me so much i think i would rather die than try anymore. im sorry i was such a fuck up. im sorry you had the burden of knowing me. please dont remember me as an addict, remember me as a sweet little kid. im sorry i let you down, im sorry i let the family down, i will leave everyone alone now. im sorry and i do love you. i know i dont know how to show it right, but i love you. you and rusty are my heroes and you are in my thoughts every day. i wish i could have been more like you.


im sorry i bothered you. remember me....


i really do love you, kimmy.

Good morning, sister.

I woke up today and got this message from my sister:

kim, i need to ask you a huge favor... im in aiken, south carolina trying to get up to baltimore for rehab. and i already have the bus ticket from charleston to baltimore, but i have to get from aiken to charleston and the only way i can do that from where i am right now is to sell my body for money. is there any way i could borrow just a small amount of money just to get me home and fed? im trying to turn my life around but no one will help me and give me any more chances. ive burned every bridge. please please help me kim. im begging as your little sister with no one else to turn to. i love you.

I don't really know what to do about it (surprise, surprise).


I wrote this, but haven't sent it.

Abbie,
You do not love me, at least you don't show that you love me. You have contacted me twice in 3 years, both times to ask for money. From what I understand, you have been given a bunch of chances, in fact, you were welcome to stay in rehab just a little while ago and you left voluntarily. My Dad gave you a basically free apartment, where you did thousands of dollars of damage and then forced him to clean it up on Christmas. Your mother has driven to see you to help you, and you didn't let her. Therefore, you have hurt people that I love a lot.

I don't really know what to tell you. Do I want you to sell your body? No. Do I understand how you've gotten to a place where you can't get a job at a pizza parlor instead? No.

Yes, I could send you money. But what do I think will happen? You will take it. You will not write me back or thank me. If you do thank me, it will sound really false. You might make it up to Baltimore, you might just score some drugs. If you do make it up and get into this rehab where eventually they could completely take care of you and put you in a halfway house, but instead you will quit the rehab before it's over. Then no one will hear from you for a while, or you will hurt someone new.

Knowing this, what's a sister to do?

On the precipice... and kinda losing my mind...

Wowsa! My being has been in a pretty crazy place lately!

I am attempting to calm and get into some rational/inspired thinking. I'm getting there.

Here are my (lame) excuses for losing my shit:
1. Rich came back after 2 months and there's adjustment
2. I joined, then quit, a fire dancing group
3. I am leaving on Monday for Burning Man with 3 virgins, 2 of whom are my aunt and uncle,
which leads to
4. My house looks like a tornado
5. I know too much about Burning Man to not stress about Burning Man!!!!!!

All that being said, I went to yoga last night, I breathed, and I did the best headstand into bakasana into headstand that I've ever done (actually I've never even done it before).

Which leads me to believe that if I could just more effectively channel this crazy energy, that might just be the ticket.

So tonight I am organizing, cleaning, thinking, stretching, and trying not to stress.

By the way, thanks to my friend Charlotte, my costumes this year are my best by FAR, thanks to MP we are more organized than I've been for the burn, and I am truly very excited! Plus, I will be spinning fire for the first time, at the fire spinning mecca of the universe! All is good.

The girl fire group thing has really thrown me, truth be told. I know deep down that I felt, number one, that I was really good at it and that I should be performing/making money with it, and number two, that these ladies were smart and experienced and would lead me in a good direction. There were a number of things that threw me. One was the photo shoot, where using tools I wasn't used to, I burned myself and started contemplating the severity of it. Two (I just realized how many things in this post I've been numbering. I must really need to be putting things in ORDER!!! Anyway...), the latin/kinda gothy vibe is not totally me and I felt a little false. Weird for an actress? Three, it was just taking TOO MUCH TIME! I mean, I have really liked one night a week of learning fire, and a couple more practicing or playing with my toys in group settings. But putting all this energy into our website, and routine, and music, and costumes and bookings and all of it was really overwhelming and not in a good way. So finally, in the middle of Burning Man prep, I just lost it and called the girl and told her everything that was on my mind and quit. And she was lovely, but in the end I know that I screwed them and I hate letting people down.

But if I'm not sane, what is any of it worth??????????????????
So, I am working on my sanity above all. Second (can't stop numbering now!), enjoying life and my husband and being able to be quiet.
Breathe girl!!!