The first few months of the greatest adventure ever (And everyone's opinions about it)

Well, it's been a while since I posted. I can say that I felt somewhat suffocated from not posting! I am pregnant, and the world had put the fear of god into me that if I told people within the first three months that surely I would jinx it, so I stayed mum (well, to the general public at least) and found it very difficult! 

I do understand the idea behind it. The miscarriage rate is very high those first months, and to save you explaining an even more difficult situation, you are encouraged to keep the news to yourself. But are we, as a society, just masking truth then? Why can't people know that babies are precious and don't always make it? I feel like it hearkens back to our puritanical roots, let's not talk about things until they're nice and tidy and clean, much less possibility of devastation or sorrow, which is very messy.

During these months, I realized that I never keep ANYTHING truly to myself. It's all so overwhelming, let's be honest... it's pretty much all I could think about. Therefore, when people asked how I was, what was going on - I felt like a LIAR. 

Of course, that was only when I was actually awake, which was not often at all. Apparently cell splitting is the most exhausting work you'll ever do, I could barely keep myself upright.

Thank goodness, I am through the first trimester. Almost 15 weeks now. Still not really "showing," but I sure do feel fat! I am due in January, and we've decided to wait until then to see if it's a boy or a girl who will be turning our life on its head.

I may have to post more than right now to even come close to scratching the surface of all the emotions/fears/thoughts/hopes I've been going through on a constant basis. Truly overwhelming, and I know I'm at the "easy" part! 

There is one topic I'd like to comment on for today though: the "mom police." Wow. Again, I am positive this is a situation that can only worsen with time, but boy do people feel the right to comment on your pregnancy/birth in unwarranted ways! Moms have OPINIONS, and they are not afraid to share them. It's too bad, because I would like to talk about everything that's happening inside, but I am learning to be more selective about who I welcome into what topics - and if I really even want anyone's opinions at all! I am reading the books, I am in tune with my body and I plan on raising my child with smarts/instinct/intuition and lessons learned from watching other exemplary parents (like mine). But, being an open soul like I think I have, people really seem to want to tell me how to do stuff. Which can be a blessing - they also want to help and give hand-me downs, etc., but often their advice and stories just make me feel daunted and depressed. So, next to impossible as it may be, I am going to attempt to keep my pregnancy/baby out of the fields of all these intense energies. People have been doing this for a long time, I have a great doctor and a great doula - I don't need all the extra noise!!!

Ramblings

I trade my sweetness 
For contemplation 
Completion 

Did I find you? 
Or is it a silly dream? 
Do you mean what I believe you mean?

I tried on the too tight shoes 
Dedicated to feeling blue 
Placed my mouth in a line 
Convinced you that I'm fine

Did I reach you? 
Or is it a bitter melody? 
You've grown accustomed to singing off key...

My lullabies might just be lies 
Love ain't simple as pure sunshine

The spirit of water... and other stuff too

I am trying to become more like water. Water: free flowing, mutable, constant. There is so much to be learned from water. When I am feeling anxious, possessed by yearnings I can't even define, unsettled, I try to make my thoughts more like water. 

When I think back on your past, I tend to think in events… ok, if in outfits. :-) I am a little fashion obsessed. Sometimes I can think in visions, of people's faces or of the sights that I've seen. But one thing I've been trying to do is to meditate on the actual thoughts I've had in the past. For instance, I can remember sitting on the hillside of a beautiful campground last year, and an old yogi taught me about samskaras, which, by his teaching, meant (loosely translated) that we are drawn to people because of holes in our own emotional beings. If we could be complete in ourselves, if we had somehow made it through without any holes or tears in our psyches, we wouldn't need another person to be complete. It seems pretty unattainable to me, but an interesting concept nonetheless, and one that was deserving of heavy pondering. Anyway, today I meditated today on that thought, which led me to realize that, when I let my thoughts be like water, deep and free flowing, I tend to gravitate toward the same subjects. It is scary to think that almost a year has gone past, and I don’t know if I've thought so clearly about anything since that topic. Almost as if my spiritual life has been dead, my brain full of meaningless practicalities and routines.

I tend to be an intensely season driven person, which I give myself a really hard time for. I mean, sometimes I really think if you met me in the winter and then in summer you may not know it's the same person. But, again, thinking about water - would you know that it's the same when it's ice? Would you know the earth to be the same covered in snow or blazing sun? If the earth can vary so greatly, then so can I, I'm going to try and give myself a little slack.

Spring brings out my spiritual ponderings - Fears? Ego? Vanity? Coincidences? Meaning? Truth?

I am going to try to use the water idea more, to lead me to deeper spiritual awareness on a more consistent basis. It even worked last night while I was washing the dishes (a task that I hate). I concentrated on thinking about the water, how it cleans and purifies, just started describing it, and before I knew it, I was done.

I truly believe that my spiritual being is hungry. And I am glad that the correct impulses are back to get to feeding it!

I wonder

I wonder, on a daily basis and across the world (not just here in my little corner of easy Los Angeles) and on a given minute, how many people would say that they are unsatisfied with their lives. ALL across the world. I wonder sometimes if we are being bred more and more to BE unsatisfied with our lives. I bet if you asked my great-grandmother if she was unsatisfied with her life, she probably would say that she doesn’t give that much thought, she just LIVES her life day to day and tries to get through. And while I feel privileged to be able to examine my life and not just “get through,” I also wonder if there really IS anything but getting through, because then you are really living in the moment. I mean, we are living, we are doing, and what else is there but that?

I am wondering a lot.

I feel unsatisfied, not with a lot of aspects of my life, but I do feel unsatisfied day by day. Mostly with the knowledge of how much there is to DO/SEE/FEEL/BE in the world while I sit at my desk.

I do try to keep it interesting. This past Saturday I joined up with a group of 300 people dressed like Santa Claus in a sort of human art experiment and terrorized/humanized the city with our antics. I regularly spin fire in patterns around myself in an effort to express the beauty that lives in my body and mind. I have read 6 books in the last month. I teach a class every week. I am not afraid to be in a yoga class and test my body and mind for hours at a time. I married someone for love and not security. I am not afraid to get into a conversation with you. I learned imovie this past month and created something. I will scream, jump for joy, or sit quietly at any given moment. I am working on welcoming discord and disagreements for the pursuit of truth.

Maybe the point is that, when I am fully engaged in activities where I am using my abilities and creating, I feel satisfied. I just need to engage those sides of myself more and more often. I need to confront my fears and realize that, when I am being safe and not testing myself, I feel like I’m dying inside. Create. Create. Create.

And I know I’m trying. It’s just that I also think that I work with a security blanket. Not that it’s wrong to have a stable job and have some money, but I think it is wrong when that prevents you from finding your destiny in the universe and testing yourself. I don’t take all the chances that I should because they don’t always fit my day to day, and I want to break out of the box. I want to get rid of the fear that exists when I think of breaking out on my own. Throw it away. Live for what makes me tick, and believe that the universe will reward me for it. Or, at very least, pursue more within my confines, testing and learning and pushing myself.

This whole entry probably makes no sense for a reader. I guess I’m just blogging for myself right now… but I am interested in how other people feel about filling up their lives with satisfaction, and how they do it!

Don't Put My Unborn Baby in a Corner

Last night I had a very vivid dream, where I got to give my (as yet unconceived) teenage daughter the greatest lesson of all - the lesson whose sentiments wound their way through every single one of my favorite movies growing up - to just DANCE! To dance like no one's watching, to dance her own way, to dance even when the "man" tells her not to, to dance in the way she does and not how they taught her... you know, every one of the cliches.

It was a glorious moment. The soundtrack, of course, was the classic fare: thumping 80s beat, soaring high vocals involving words like "hero" and "maniac," and, of course, plenty of neon. My daughter, of course, then proceeded to DANCE, and I mean DANCE: though previously untrained, she could flip and soar and salsa and pirouette in a completely unique style.

Sigh.

I sure hope it happens like this. It will, right?

100 things in the world i love

1. corduroy overalls
2. beards
3. butterfly rings
4. gerber daisies
5. Mom’s homemade rolls
6. very large rocks
7. costumes
8. dance class
9. a good book
10. chapstick
11. acoustic guitar
12. strawberries
13. faux fur
14. scrabble
15. baseball on tv
16. thrift stores
17. painting
18. typing
19. purple
20. striped socks
21. furry socks
22. ouiji boards
23. campfires
24. new shoes
25. yoga
26. hot chocolate
27. collages
28. good beer
29. breakdancers
30. snow angels
31. finishing
32. excel
33. record players
34. sunshine
35. rivers
36. eyeliner
37. babies
38. gymnasium smell
39. french braiding
40. quilts
41. movies
42. wigs
43. hula hoops
44. chaise lounges
45. faces
46. high boots
47. bubble baths
48. mix tapes
49. catamarans
50. road trips
51. incense
52. crab feasts
53. pools
54. fairs
55. musicals
56. feathers
57. jungle gyms
58. gel pens
59. squeezie balls
60. mouthwash
61. kitties
62. q-tips
63. sunsets
64. cornbread
65. ziplock bags
66. top 40
67. hotel rooms
68. moon circles
69. buddah beads
70. someone else’s perfume
71. cranium
72. today
73. spinning
74. pad thai
75. bedazzled game
76. soduku
77. sleeping in the car
78. softball games
79. pubs
80. karaoke
81. fondue pots
82. extension cords
83. christmas lights
84. patchouli
85. conversations
86. patent leather shoes
87. sunglasses
88. tutus
89. tire swings
90. marble notebooks
91. lanterns
92. parasols
93. loofahs
94. crying
95. the sun
96. laughing
97. acrobats
98. silly sting
99. moms
100. love

I love...

One thing I really love about my husband is how he seems to have a sixth sense about when I'm going to get home. He wanders out of the backyard onto the street as if he were waiting for me the whole time.

I've never mentioned it to him... I'm just going to keep enjoying it.