It's coming

No, I don't mean the baby.

I mean, yes, the baby is coming. And yes, to answer the 24 people who ask a day, I AM in fact excited that the baby is coming. I mean, how could you not want to meet the little person who makes daily routines out of kicking you in the gut? And you love them for it?

I am talking about the birth. The birth is coming. That which strikes fear into the heartiest of women. And I am afraid.

But I'm a little excited too. It's a new feeling. It makes me feel a little crazy, like before spinning fire or something, how something so dangerous can be exciting too. I'm sure multitudes more of fear will grip my heart as it gets closer, but for now, I am embracing the idea of the upcoming opportunity to find out exactly what kind of person I am. Hypnobirthing cds may be giving me false confidence here... but what other confidence is there in this situation? 

I even look forward to the post I will get to write when I can laugh at myself for even possibly thinking it could be something to look forward to... because by then I will know so much more about life. I've always been a glutton for punishment.

Bring it birth process! (oh, no... maybe I'm too scared...)

It's a fine tightrope we walk.

Lucent Dossier

When I was considering starting a family, I felt concerned. Though I’ve always been drawn to motherhood, I also spent years becoming comfortable with myself, developing confidence in my life and my body. Would I have to change all that? Did getting pregnant mean for me what I saw it meant for so many others – staying at home, being covered up and hiding all day?

 

Thoughts running through my mind in February 2009, when I went to see the fabulous Lucent Dossier perform at Lucent L’Amour. And as I sat on the pavement in downtown Los Angeles in a fabulous get-up with hundreds of beautiful like-minded souls, a magical thing happened. I mean many magical things – such is Lucent Dossier – but an especially magical one for me. Up on stage, unapologetic and fierce as could be, was a very obviously pregnant woman in a tight leotard, and she was ROCKING it. Dancing, thrashing, totally in sync with everyone and yet with her own completely radiant charm. When we left, my husband Rich and I talked about the show, and both of us brought her up immediately. It seemed she gave us hope that life as we knew it could continue into pregnancy, that it WAS possible to be unique and eccentric and amazing and fierce… while carrying life inside you. Walls crashed down in my mind. I was inspired.

 

And then, the beautiful  human life cycle did indeed happen to me. And pregnancy brings all kinds of feelings, way too many to pretend to get into here. And yet, I continued to live my life the way I know how, listening to my heart and attending events and concerts and dancing and hula hooping, being joyful and trying not to hide any of it.

 

When I heard that Lucent Dossier was having a video contest to be in one of their shows, I knew that life was coming full circle, and was thrilled for the opportunity to show them how much inspiration they had given me! So I filmed my piece and sent it in, and loved the process of doing it without being attached too much to the outcome. Just expressing myself felt right.

Lo and behold, on Wednesday, two days before the Lucent Dossier show “Ravenous Rouge” at the El Rey, a lovely lass named Dayna gave word that I was the winner of this contest and would be performing with them! Wheeeeee! How hearts can jump up and down (probably mine and the baby’s too!)

 

And so I traveled, in my mind, to the mythical land where these fairies come up with their special brand of magic, aka a loft downtown, for my rehearsal. And I was nervous. Like, head spinning nervous. Felt alive. And I took a deep breath, and I walked in. And how to describe what came next? Well, meeting these talents was, in itself, quite something, but unlike the fairies in my mind there was quite a lot of reality here. I think the main thing I took away from their rehearsal process is that, at the core, it is HARD WORK. These folks are putting in the hard work that is required for them to be so fabulous. I mean, it’s playing too, but done with intention and heart and common goals. Just as their amazing talents were not born overnight, so do they dedicate themselves to the art of putting their show together.

 

I can’t say exactly what I expected to be doing in the show, maybe a walk on for a split second to show the costume? Or a station on the side where I had a specific task? I can say, for certain, that I never quite dreamed I would get thrown in completely to sink or swim, asked to simply play with everyone on stage, learn musical numbers and bits, interact completely. And yet, there it was, and the second part of what makes this journey so memorable and empowering. Yes, I have been on stage before, but it’s been a while, and this was such a completely different experience. I’m used to memorizing lines and having rehearsal time, and this was about the show being tomorrow!, and creating moments that are real and stylized. Again, a deep breath, and I jumped in, and I’m so glad I did. Tearing down walls in my mind once again, daring to look silly and be exposed, which does good for a soul.

 

Interestingly, though the whole journey was learning to be at peace with my body, and even though I knew that I was being embraced in this environment, all of the body fears were still present! Maybe since the Lucents are such a lithe bunch, or maybe just being in an unfamiliar territory, I was racked with feelings about my ever expanding, very curvy new body. Ah, being a woman.

 

Nonetheless, showtime was coming. I felt like a kid a lot of the time, just watching everyone’s process and digesting their personalities, learning from their energy and perfectionism. The make-up process was so interesting, and the comforting and amazing artist spray-painted an elaborate circled purple and white design on my belly, arms and face. I want that make-up done every day!

 

The costume and fabulous wig came together, and voila, I looked like a Lucent! How gorgeous!

 

And then came the show. You could feel the pulse of the crowd through the curtain, and as the fog started to roll around stage I was completely transported to a different realm. The musicians, dancers, and arialists I had been watching rehearse came even more alive, and all of a sudden I was in the most beautiful and interesting dream I had ever dreamt. Much like it feels to watch them! My bits felt great – Roger and I even acting out a “fake birth” that involved him pulling many random objects out of my skirt - a tin cup, a rubber duckie, some scarves, and ultimately a heart which was wonderfully symbolic for me. It was liberating to add some comedy to this gestation process!

 

And then, the ending. Ceci and Dream sing “Save Yourself,” and we all get to come out with signs and just BE, be up on stage and full of love and hope. My pink sign said “Be Love,” and I believed in it wholeheartedly. Standing up there at that moment gives me chills just to think about, it now ranks as one of the defining empowering moments of my life, while being completely vulnerable too. Some of Lucent’s genius lies in their simplicity, there we were.

 

And then, unexpectedly, Roger took my hand and led me to center stage. At first my heart balked at that much attention! But Jessalyn came over and took my hand and Roger knelt down to my belly and kissed it. Jesslyn whispered to me “Your baby is feeling so much love right now.” And it all came together. Tears were in my eyes, but it ceased to be about me anymore. Yes, this was my experience, but it’s really everyone’s, everyone up on stage and everyone in the audience and everyone who has ever had a baby and everyone who has been a baby, anyone who lives and loves, we all need the same things and we’re here for the same reasons. All these thoughts flooded me, and life was good and made sense. I needed to be touched by these magical souls to help on this life making journey, and they needed to be touched by me, too. My heart was given a chance to expand wider than I knew possible - there is always more room.

 

Thank you, Lucent Dossier, for manifesting with me a night that I knew was possible. A night where ancient ritual combines with ecstatic modern joy, and one mother knows she is on the right path.

 

 

 

 

The first few months of the greatest adventure ever (And everyone's opinions about it)

Well, it's been a while since I posted. I can say that I felt somewhat suffocated from not posting! I am pregnant, and the world had put the fear of god into me that if I told people within the first three months that surely I would jinx it, so I stayed mum (well, to the general public at least) and found it very difficult! 

I do understand the idea behind it. The miscarriage rate is very high those first months, and to save you explaining an even more difficult situation, you are encouraged to keep the news to yourself. But are we, as a society, just masking truth then? Why can't people know that babies are precious and don't always make it? I feel like it hearkens back to our puritanical roots, let's not talk about things until they're nice and tidy and clean, much less possibility of devastation or sorrow, which is very messy.

During these months, I realized that I never keep ANYTHING truly to myself. It's all so overwhelming, let's be honest... it's pretty much all I could think about. Therefore, when people asked how I was, what was going on - I felt like a LIAR. 

Of course, that was only when I was actually awake, which was not often at all. Apparently cell splitting is the most exhausting work you'll ever do, I could barely keep myself upright.

Thank goodness, I am through the first trimester. Almost 15 weeks now. Still not really "showing," but I sure do feel fat! I am due in January, and we've decided to wait until then to see if it's a boy or a girl who will be turning our life on its head.

I may have to post more than right now to even come close to scratching the surface of all the emotions/fears/thoughts/hopes I've been going through on a constant basis. Truly overwhelming, and I know I'm at the "easy" part! 

There is one topic I'd like to comment on for today though: the "mom police." Wow. Again, I am positive this is a situation that can only worsen with time, but boy do people feel the right to comment on your pregnancy/birth in unwarranted ways! Moms have OPINIONS, and they are not afraid to share them. It's too bad, because I would like to talk about everything that's happening inside, but I am learning to be more selective about who I welcome into what topics - and if I really even want anyone's opinions at all! I am reading the books, I am in tune with my body and I plan on raising my child with smarts/instinct/intuition and lessons learned from watching other exemplary parents (like mine). But, being an open soul like I think I have, people really seem to want to tell me how to do stuff. Which can be a blessing - they also want to help and give hand-me downs, etc., but often their advice and stories just make me feel daunted and depressed. So, next to impossible as it may be, I am going to attempt to keep my pregnancy/baby out of the fields of all these intense energies. People have been doing this for a long time, I have a great doctor and a great doula - I don't need all the extra noise!!!

Ramblings

I trade my sweetness 
For contemplation 
Completion 

Did I find you? 
Or is it a silly dream? 
Do you mean what I believe you mean?

I tried on the too tight shoes 
Dedicated to feeling blue 
Placed my mouth in a line 
Convinced you that I'm fine

Did I reach you? 
Or is it a bitter melody? 
You've grown accustomed to singing off key...

My lullabies might just be lies 
Love ain't simple as pure sunshine

The spirit of water... and other stuff too

I am trying to become more like water. Water: free flowing, mutable, constant. There is so much to be learned from water. When I am feeling anxious, possessed by yearnings I can't even define, unsettled, I try to make my thoughts more like water. 

When I think back on your past, I tend to think in events… ok, if in outfits. :-) I am a little fashion obsessed. Sometimes I can think in visions, of people's faces or of the sights that I've seen. But one thing I've been trying to do is to meditate on the actual thoughts I've had in the past. For instance, I can remember sitting on the hillside of a beautiful campground last year, and an old yogi taught me about samskaras, which, by his teaching, meant (loosely translated) that we are drawn to people because of holes in our own emotional beings. If we could be complete in ourselves, if we had somehow made it through without any holes or tears in our psyches, we wouldn't need another person to be complete. It seems pretty unattainable to me, but an interesting concept nonetheless, and one that was deserving of heavy pondering. Anyway, today I meditated today on that thought, which led me to realize that, when I let my thoughts be like water, deep and free flowing, I tend to gravitate toward the same subjects. It is scary to think that almost a year has gone past, and I don’t know if I've thought so clearly about anything since that topic. Almost as if my spiritual life has been dead, my brain full of meaningless practicalities and routines.

I tend to be an intensely season driven person, which I give myself a really hard time for. I mean, sometimes I really think if you met me in the winter and then in summer you may not know it's the same person. But, again, thinking about water - would you know that it's the same when it's ice? Would you know the earth to be the same covered in snow or blazing sun? If the earth can vary so greatly, then so can I, I'm going to try and give myself a little slack.

Spring brings out my spiritual ponderings - Fears? Ego? Vanity? Coincidences? Meaning? Truth?

I am going to try to use the water idea more, to lead me to deeper spiritual awareness on a more consistent basis. It even worked last night while I was washing the dishes (a task that I hate). I concentrated on thinking about the water, how it cleans and purifies, just started describing it, and before I knew it, I was done.

I truly believe that my spiritual being is hungry. And I am glad that the correct impulses are back to get to feeding it!

I wonder

I wonder, on a daily basis and across the world (not just here in my little corner of easy Los Angeles) and on a given minute, how many people would say that they are unsatisfied with their lives. ALL across the world. I wonder sometimes if we are being bred more and more to BE unsatisfied with our lives. I bet if you asked my great-grandmother if she was unsatisfied with her life, she probably would say that she doesn’t give that much thought, she just LIVES her life day to day and tries to get through. And while I feel privileged to be able to examine my life and not just “get through,” I also wonder if there really IS anything but getting through, because then you are really living in the moment. I mean, we are living, we are doing, and what else is there but that?

I am wondering a lot.

I feel unsatisfied, not with a lot of aspects of my life, but I do feel unsatisfied day by day. Mostly with the knowledge of how much there is to DO/SEE/FEEL/BE in the world while I sit at my desk.

I do try to keep it interesting. This past Saturday I joined up with a group of 300 people dressed like Santa Claus in a sort of human art experiment and terrorized/humanized the city with our antics. I regularly spin fire in patterns around myself in an effort to express the beauty that lives in my body and mind. I have read 6 books in the last month. I teach a class every week. I am not afraid to be in a yoga class and test my body and mind for hours at a time. I married someone for love and not security. I am not afraid to get into a conversation with you. I learned imovie this past month and created something. I will scream, jump for joy, or sit quietly at any given moment. I am working on welcoming discord and disagreements for the pursuit of truth.

Maybe the point is that, when I am fully engaged in activities where I am using my abilities and creating, I feel satisfied. I just need to engage those sides of myself more and more often. I need to confront my fears and realize that, when I am being safe and not testing myself, I feel like I’m dying inside. Create. Create. Create.

And I know I’m trying. It’s just that I also think that I work with a security blanket. Not that it’s wrong to have a stable job and have some money, but I think it is wrong when that prevents you from finding your destiny in the universe and testing yourself. I don’t take all the chances that I should because they don’t always fit my day to day, and I want to break out of the box. I want to get rid of the fear that exists when I think of breaking out on my own. Throw it away. Live for what makes me tick, and believe that the universe will reward me for it. Or, at very least, pursue more within my confines, testing and learning and pushing myself.

This whole entry probably makes no sense for a reader. I guess I’m just blogging for myself right now… but I am interested in how other people feel about filling up their lives with satisfaction, and how they do it!

Don't Put My Unborn Baby in a Corner

Last night I had a very vivid dream, where I got to give my (as yet unconceived) teenage daughter the greatest lesson of all - the lesson whose sentiments wound their way through every single one of my favorite movies growing up - to just DANCE! To dance like no one's watching, to dance her own way, to dance even when the "man" tells her not to, to dance in the way she does and not how they taught her... you know, every one of the cliches.

It was a glorious moment. The soundtrack, of course, was the classic fare: thumping 80s beat, soaring high vocals involving words like "hero" and "maniac," and, of course, plenty of neon. My daughter, of course, then proceeded to DANCE, and I mean DANCE: though previously untrained, she could flip and soar and salsa and pirouette in a completely unique style.

Sigh.

I sure hope it happens like this. It will, right?